Why did Cinderella get kicked out of Disneyland?
Because she sat on Pinocchio's face and said, "Lie, bastard, lie!"
That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of a car and you realize there's somebody inside.
So why don’t blind people go sky diving? It scares the hell out of their seeing eye dog.
When does a blind person know when he’s about to hit the ground? The leash goes slack.
How do you make holy water?
You take normal water, and boil the hell out of it.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
how do you get a depressed man out of the tree, you cut the rope
I only cut to find out if I'm real or cake.
I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
My brother is ugly. One time he stuck his head out the window. The police arrested for mooning.
I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other.
My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.
“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”
I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.
Found out I’m worth $3.97.
My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.
My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.
Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.
How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?
When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.
The school shooter: "I finally found you worthless crybabies!!"
The Quiet Kid: "How are a bag of chips and a mac11 the same?"
The school shooter: "I don't know."
The Quiet kid: "When you pull them out everybody wants to be your friend."
I was exploring a haunted mansion when I encountered a ghost named Pristiano Penaldo. He asked if I supported Burnley as he wanted to statpad against me. Luckily, I pulled out my trusty Liverpool shirt, and he disappeared. Shame on you, Penaldo.
I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple.
An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.
He called them: "Asperger's."
What do you call a skeleton who went out in the snow? A numb skull!
