OR jokes
If a pregnant emo kills herself, is that murder-suicide or just abortion?
Madeline McCann must have been homeless or something, she was sure eager for the free candy.
My mom is telling me to get off Friday Night Funkin' or she will slam my head against the keyboard: weherhrqqkh[qokqho[krq3[t4i2-4q43q343q44334q43.
Me: Sister, stop stealing my stuff or I will make you feel bad.
Sister: No, I won't stop.
Me: Fine, I'm telling the world what you did.
Sister: What? You will see when I post it.
Sister: WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I PEED ON SANTA CLAUS WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD?
Me: BECAUSE YOU DON ́T HAVE A LIFE.
Damn boy, you must be Nick Cannon because you don’t know when or how to stop.
Where can a male and female rabbit make love at? The rabbit house or the rabbit hole?
"I wish I was either Christmas lights or a mistletoe."
"Why?"
"Because I want to hang!"
What do you call a vegan cow?
A vegan cow. :/
OR
A regular cow. 🐄🙌
Dear uncle, I want my condoms.
What is the difference between a feminist and a vegetarian? A vegetarian doesn't eat meat for moral, religious, or health reasons. However, a feminist doesn't act like a bitch for moral, religious, or health reasons.
House for sale: five minutes from the beach or eight seconds if you fall.
I'm still not sure how I'm not in jail or have been fined for littering. When I was born, I was born in a hospital trash can, therefore making me a literal piece of trash. That being said, any time I'm out in public, I'm a piece of litter.
If somebody gives you lemons, cut them in half and do the juice in his eyes.
Who crashed the plane?
1. Abu Faram? - terrorist
2. The little kid Joseph?
3. The passed out pilot?
Or Jamal?
My cousin: Brother, I lost in a game of Call of Duty: Moe Bill [he was supposed to pronounce it as mobile; however, I left it as it is].
Me: So tell me about it then.
My cousin: I lost to Sum_Baldi.
Me: Somebody? Don’t they have, like, the name of you opponents?
My cousin: No, no, no, the name was Sum_Baldi. S.U.M_B.A.L.D.I.
Me: Ok, my bad. Continue.
My cousin: I got Sum_Baldi, and 5 seconds later, I got kill[ed] by Sum_Fing_Wong.
Me: It’s not wrong! In Call of Duty, you are suppose to kill or be killed.
My cousin: No, no, no, the name was Sum_Fing_Wong. S.U.M_F.I.N.G_W.O.N.G.
Me: My bad again. Do continue.
My cousin: I got so angry I blow[ed] up.
Me: So you got blowed up, by what weapon?
My cousin: By the game.
Me: [was not expecting that for an answer]
For centuries, Japan’s feudal dictators, called Shoguns, enforced strict laws that kept people from leaving or entering the country. This practice isolated Japan from the rest of the world. By the middle of the 19th century, Japan’s isolationism was creating problems for the United States’ whaling industry whose ships needed coal, food, and water available in Japanese ports. And sailors who were shipwrecked on the coast of Japan needed protection from mistreatment.
In November 1852, President Millard Fillmore sent an expedition to Japan to solve these problems. Led by Commodore Matthew C. Perry, the expedition had both steam-powered and sail-powered warships and several hundred men. Perry’s task was to persuade the Japanese to sign a treaty with the United States that would open Japanese ports and protect shipwrecked sailors. On July 8, 1853, the Perry expedition sailed into Edo Bay about thirty miles from the city of Edo (modern Tokyo).
During talks with the Shogun’s representatives, the idea of a treaty was repeatedly rejected. But Perry didn’t give up. Finally, in February 1854, the Japanese agreed to negotiate a treaty. The Treaty of Kanagawa established peace between the two countries, opened two ports to U.S. shipping, and protected shipwrecked sailors. It was signed on March 31, 1854.
Perry’s expedition also opened Japan to the rest of the world. Within two years, Japan signed similar treaties with Russia, Holland, and Britain.
I didn’t know if she was anorexic or not, so I tossed her an onion ring to see if she would eat it or use it as a hula hoop.
I have a question: Does aging affect corpses, too?
Just asking to know if I still count as a pedophile or not!
So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?
Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"
Depression jokes are wrong, stop making them; they're cruel and nasty. So stop; people are feeling like they're hated when they read your orphan jokes or depression jokes, so PLEASE stop.