OR jokes

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

  • 6

    • What will fall faster, an emo or an apple?

    An apple, because the emo would get caught on the rope.

    Women should have the right to choose whether they want to do cooking or cleaning first.

    I either added you because we have shit tons of mutuals, or 'cause I'd let you spit alcohol in my mouth.

    I'll let you decide.

    So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”

    One day, Billy's teacher asked him, "I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

    Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

    "Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

    "Maybe it was a tricycle."

    "Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"

    The teacher grabbed Billy and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, "Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"

    Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."

    That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"

    Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"

    Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."

    Billy sat up straight and said, "I KNEW that damn thing had wheels!"

    Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)

    Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.

    You know why Santa's saying is "Ho Ho Ho?"

    How else is he supposed to give boys and girls a baby brother or sister for Christmas?

    What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?

    Depends on who's sucking.

    I was exploring the Dubai trophy factory when someone came crashing in. It was him, Pristiano Penaldo. He held the workers at gunpoint, forcing them to make him another plastic Mickey Mouse award or he will dive and sue them for assaulting him. Shame on you, pendu!

    What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?

    When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)

  • 3

    • The cold winter night, there was a cabin in the woods. The cabin housed 3 men. The men were gay but they did not know.

    Fili: "Fili." Kili: "And Kili." Fili and Kili: "At your service." Kili: "You must be Mr. Baggins." Bilbo: "No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house." Kili: "What?! Has it been canceled?" Fili: "No one told us." Bilbo: "Can...! No, nothing’s been canceled." Kili: "That’s a relief." Fili: "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened." Kili: "It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?" Bilbo: "Uh...no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?" Dwalin: "Fili, Ki­li, come on, give us a hand." Kili: "Mr. Dwalin." Balin: "Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in." Bilbo: "Ev...everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If...if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" One of the Dwarves: "Get off, you big lump!"

    Then the men only had one seat they had in the cabin. It was a bar seat. they were able to flip it upside down and fit all of them on it.

    Wanna know why the plane actually crashed?

    Someone turned off flight mode.

    (Or a kid just turned on airplane mode.)

    Lemme just say one thing:

    Depression is not funny. Two of my best friends have it, and it's actually quite hard to watch them suffer with it. They cry all the time, they get upset all the time, they either have wanted to or still do want to kill themselves. It's really not funny to joke about depression.