Open Jokes

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because these jokes are not funny

Heres why the chicken crossed the road...

The chicken was on the run from a crazy-ass butcher ready to murder the poor thing, so the chicken crossed the road.The chicken was crossing the road, then a blind kid saw the chicken, and the kid was hit by a flying rock, his vision was blurred (what vision?) and was actually cured of the blind. The chicken ran and jumped into a truck's opening, and was never seen again... The kid got up from the ground and looked at the road, to see the chicken was not there, and said..." The chicken crossed the road...." The kid yelled at everyone about the chicken crossing the road, and got a lot of positive attention. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Reddit was full of the chicken nonsense, and gained widespread attention from N.A to Asia in only 1 day.

The butcher was arrested for the attempted murder of a joke animal, and was sentenced to over 20 years in solitary confinement, and a few weeks later, the sentence was moved to a life sentence, and the butcher became known as The ChicKiller.

The End (hope you enjoyed, i was bored so i made this shit...)

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

I’m going to open a wellness center for ASD kids to be able to express themselves through music and painting. I will call it Artism!

Once there was a midget man jumping on a pothole saying 43,43,43. A kid walks up to the man and says “why are you saying 43,43,43”. The man stops and looks at him then he starts jumping again and says 43,43,43. The kid asked him again and so on. Then the man stops opens the pothole throws the kid in, closed the starts jumping in says 44,44,44!!!

Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka they guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.

Bartender: Hey that’s some nice jewellery you have there it must be expensive.

Guy: Yeah this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It costs me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain eh.

Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What you do for a living?

Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.

Bartender: What? If that’s the case then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer. You’re a hypocrite that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.

Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right I m living with double standards to justify my actions.

(5 seconds later)

Guy: Aye open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!

mom: im going to the shop if somone is on the door dont open me: ok *ring* me: opens oh sh*t mom: gets flip flop

Can't wait to meet you!

So join the Depression family!

We open real soon!

Try best to hold onto sanity!

What's the difference between a man's wife and his dog? Lock them both in the trunk for three hours and see which is happy to see you when you open it.

A FED EX plane was carrying 375 fridges across Africa but the cargo door wasn't shut properly but only 218 reached the desired destination. The rest landed in a remote village. How many fell out the plane?

Time's up! You took too long you only had 4 seconds to answer it.

How do you put an elephant into the fridge that pushed out the cargo door?

Open the fridge, put the elephant in and close the door.

How do you put a giraffe into the fridge?

Open the fridge, take out the elephant. Then put in the giraffe and close the door.

Why did sally fall off the swing?

Because she got hit by the other 156 refrigerators.

How did she survive?

Her idiot mother tried to pull her out and accidentally ripped both her arms off. But she was rescued 8 minutes later.

So 3 guys are walking down the street together and decide to go rob a bank. The first one goes for the richest man in the city’s vault but can’t open it easily, and is caught and sent to death in jail for robbing the richest man. The second one goes for his uncles vault because screw that son of a b***h he’s rich why does he need all the money. But his uncle was unfortunately at the vault that day and snapped his nephews neck. The third one went for his ex’s vault and thought “well that b***h can suck my d**k she’s so poor anyway who would care if I take all her money so she dies of hunger and dehydration and homelessness” so he managed to get into her vault easily because it wasn’t heavily locked and took all her money. The next day the third guys ex showed up to his house and said “imma f*****g murder you” so she shot him dead and got her money from his house. In hell the three guys see each other and explain what happened. The third guy did and then asked “you know I don’t get it. If the richest guys are heavily guarded but already have so much money in their house why does it need to be heavily guarded? I don’t understand why the poorer aren’t heavily guarded when they are so poor they need the money.” And the first guy said “b***h I don’t know maybe the bank tellers think poor people should suck it and just die already”

JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.

Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry everyone, I punch the wrong buttons and we are heading to DC instead of New York and we are about to run out of fuel. He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.

Donald faced the other four and orders:

"I'm the greatest leader of the world and I'll make the decision. Tony you go first, our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging." Tony jumps off.

Francis,my friend, you go next, pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me." Francis jumps off.

Hillary faced faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history." Hillary jumps off.

Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and ......"

Greta interrjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"

Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?

They both had an open mind.

my sister and I were hanging out when she opened her drawer and pulled out 3 condoms and said "pick one"

-Why did the Indian cross the road? -Because he opened a corner shop on the other side.

What did the little girl with no arms get for Christmas? I dont know, she's still trying to open it...

me: nok nok teacher: who is there Me: boo Teacher : boo who Me: stop being a crybaby and open the door! Teacher:............ Me: aw man detention again.

Why do horses eat with their mouth open?

Because they have bad stable manners.

Knock knock. Who's there? Hal. Hal who? Hal will you know if you don't open the door?