One jokes

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

What does a one-night stand have in common with earthquakes? You never know how long they'll last.

How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?

Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.

What has four legs and one arm? A doberman at the playground.

When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."

What did one depressed kid say to the other?

Hey, wanna hang together?

My dad just found out and told my mom about one of their friends, Chad, who just murdered his wife, Claire. After doing that, he turned the gun on himself and committed suicide right after.

My mom's reply: "Jesus, Chad will do anything to get out of cleaning his mess, won't he?"

How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.

What do orphans and garbage have in common?

They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.

Two men are walking down the street and see a dog licking its balls. One man says, "I wish I could do that." The other one says, "You can probably just pet him."

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

What did Trump rename the Presidential plane?

Answer: Hair Force One!

My mother didn't want me to love my sister. That made me angry. But then, one day I found this quote: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Since that day, I fuck my sister hard and my MOM harder!

I, for one, wish Donald Trump was President again. It's been a while since we had a presidential assassination.

What's the difference between humans and trash cans? One's actually useful.

Did you hear that Daft Punk came out with a cook book?

It's called "One More Thyme."

I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"