One jokes

What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?

One of them is an outside job.

What is the difference between an orphan and a TV?

One has more channels.

Who cooks in a lesbian relationship?

Neither one of them, they eat out.

What's the difference between a Palestinian and SpongeBob's Sandy Cheeks?

One is living in a bubble, the other one in rubble.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

My friend: You ever feel like life is pointless? *drives faster*

Me: Yea-

My friend: If you could die with one person, who would it be? *speeds up more*

Me: H-hey, you should slow down! Slow down, slow down! We're about to-

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...

It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

I wanted another piece of pizza... but she said I could only have One Piece.

My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.

One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

One depressed kid goes to high-five a tree, but the tree just left him hanging.

Why did the orphan try to get hurt?

Because then they would get surrounded with people who care about him.

He looks around, no one is there.

Jesus and Satan are just basically Homer and Flanders. One tries to help the other, only for Satan to just say, "Shut up!"

Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!

I went to a feminist picnic the other day.

It was great, apart from the fact no one made any sandwiches.

What is one thing blind people and orphans have in common?

They both can't see their parents.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Everyone likes orphans but their parents.