One jokes

Grandpa: "Sonny, let me tell you something. There's only one damn thing in this whole world worse than Alzheimer's."

Boy: "What's that?"

Grandpa: "What's what?"

Everyone likes orphans but their parents.

Why don't Chinese children believe in Santa?

Because they're the ones making the toys.

There are too many suicidal people in this world. I’m going to make sure there is at least one less.

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

What is the difference between the government and organized crime?

Only one of them is organized.

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

What do orphans and garbage have in common?

They’re both in the street, and no one wants to pick them up.

What’s the difference between an orphan and a leaf? Only one falls down the family tree.

What is the difference between an orphan and a TV?

One has more channels.

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bails her hay, and the other heils her bae.

You know that if it says, "Adopt a Highway" and no one does, we're driving on orphans.

I rate you 9 out of 10, because I'm the 1 you need.

Viagra is a lot like amusement parks...

It's a one hour wait, for a two-minute ride.

What's the difference between 911 and a Mexican gardener?

One of them is an outside job.

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals.

In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them, and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky.

The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud!"

What's the difference between a Palestinian and SpongeBob's Sandy Cheeks?

One is living in a bubble, the other one in rubble.