Your mama is so fat, One Punch Man had to punch twice.
Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"
Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"
What did one twin tower say to the other? "Be back, I gotta catch a plane."
There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.
What was the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?
Taxi.
How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.
What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.
roses are red, unlike the rest, I'm the one who has your IP address.
"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."
- Charlie Chaplin
What's the difference between an escaped prisoner and an orphan?
Only one is wanted.
What is the smartest month?
April - No one can fool it.
I banged a German chick one time. I tried anal and asked her to rate the experience. She kept yelling "9! 9! 9!"
Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.
BTW, I am one, wahahaa!
Why can’t kids at an orphanage play hide and seek?
Because no one’s looking for them.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.
I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
A man ordered a washing machine because his old one stopped working. As soon as the man opened his new washing machine, he immediately rejoiced because there was a woman inside. Without hesitation, the man yelled, "FREE DISHWASHER!"
Little Johnny was playing outside and steps on a honeybee. His dad sees this and says, "I saw what you did and for that, you get no honey for two weeks." Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like honey anyway." About fifteen minutes later, Little Johnny is playing with the butterflies and rips the wings off of one. His dad bursts out and says, "I saw that, and for it you get no butter for a month." Little Johnny replies, "I don't care, I don't like butter anyway." Both Little Johnny and his dad go in for dinner. Johnny's mother sees a cockroach on the ground and steps on it. Little Johnny looks and smiles and says, "Do you want to tell her or should I?"
Did you hear about the ninja pedophile? No one saw him coming.
A German soldier is walking down the street during a hail storm when a lady suddenly falls over after being hit. He, along with a few others, walk over to her. One man asks, "What happened?" and the soldier replies, "Hail hit her."
