One jokes

Who works at IHOP? A girl with one leg.

P1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

P2: To get to the other side DUH?!?

P1: No dumbass, it's to get run over because he has depression, a chronic illness, and his father left him for a good for nothing pimp that doesn’t even give a shit about how he feels. (Kinda like me).

P2: Holy shit are u ok? *Some random eavesdropping fucker dials 911 in a hurry*

Somebody told me a chemistry joke. I thought it was sodium funny, I slapped my neon that one.

I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.

Location is in London by the way.

One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.

His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"

Jokes are like people. Some don't like the dark ones.

What's the difference between Al Qaeda and Ms. Frizzle? One flew a plane into the Twin Towers; one flew a bus into the school.

Once upon a time, there was a magician named Daniel. He usually did gigs for children, and this time he was working at a kid's birthday party. He walked in and said, "Hi boys and girls, my name is Daniel." He performed multiple tricks, each one amazing the children. Then, he said, "And for my final trick; I will disappear!" He lifted up a blanket and when it fell down he was gone.

Then, the birthday boy said, "Hey, he's like my dad."

"Really?" asked a little girl.

"I guessed?" he said back, "My dad wasn't a magician, but he disappeared. I haven't seen him since...."

What's the difference between a child and a book?

One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.

So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.

"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"

"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"

And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:

"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"

Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"

What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.

What's the difference between parents and depression? At least one of them leaves you.

Two pedos are on the beach.

One pedo said, "Hey, get out of my son!"

I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

Now, how about that drink?

What's the number 1 cause of pedophilia? Sexy kids.

A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.

Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.

The whole solar system is one big family, right? But everyone circles the sun.

What did one Koala say to the other?

"Help me I'm burning. Aaaugh!!! Oh fuck oh fuck I'm on fire!! AAAAaugh!"

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

Everyone's always saying they're so worried about America's big button, the one that controls all the nuclear power. I'm not worried about that... I'm worried about the idiot on the end of it.