One jokes
Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.
I went fishing with my grandpa, and my fishing line caught the attention of a school of fish. I told him to get my gun.
A black man said, "Where are the young ones?"
This bitch got mad at me because I couldn’t last four strokes. My grandpa didn’t even survive one.
Son: Dad, where are you?
Dad: Getting another one.
Son: Getting what?
Dad: Dad.
One time, I was working this steamroller when the guy who I squashed farted.
I guess that’s what you call “FLAT”ulence.
Memes
Once upon a time, there was a woman named Sarah who woke up one morning to find her husband and his wheelchair missing. She searched high and low, but they were nowhere to be found. Desperate to find them, she put up posters all over town offering a reward.
What’s the difference between a Catholic and a rabbit?
One has kids to protect from predators, and the other has kids for predators.
If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.
One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.
I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."
At one point in your life, you were exactly pi years old.
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
What did one twin say to the other?
"Watch out for the plane!"
One way to not pick up a girl is to say, “Are you an American school because I wanna shoot kids into you?” I tried it on a girl, and she is now terrified to come near me.
How was I supposed to know she was already pregnant?
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
What’s one thing women need to know nowadays?
Their place.
What is the difference between a black man and Jew?
One was born burnt.
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.
What did the Buddhist say to the pizza delivery boy?
"Make me one with everything."
Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)