One jokes

How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?

Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders a Martinus.

The bartender asks, "Don't you mean Martini?"

Julius Caesar says, "No, I only want one."

What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?

One's a busy ditch.

Two tomatoes are walking on a road. Then a car runs over one of them, and the other says: "Hi, ketchup!"

Ok, now I'm not good at telling jokes, but this one is not too bad. One cunt said to another cunt, "Do you get cold at night?"

"Fuck no, cunt," the first cunt said, "Why?"

"I have a built-in set of vertical curtains to keep the cold out, cunt!" xx

Chuck Norris once put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

One word. Creeper.

I'll slit your throat and kick you in the gut till you die one time.

So, one day I walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. She starts to cry. My mom asks why she's crying, and I say I told her she was adopted and I was there for the adoption, and we have papers. It was all a lie. She is not adopted, and everything is fine.

Little Susie had gotten her first period. She told her mom, and they bought pads.

The next month, Susie's mom asked if she had her second one. Suzie said no, and her mom fainted!

Tech administrator of a school: Hm, a message from Google security?

Tech administrator of a school: OH SHIT!

Assistant: WHAT, WHAT, TELL ME?

Tech administrator of a school: WE'VE BEEN COMPROMISED, WE FORGOT TO SECURE THE SITE!

Assistant: OK, OK, THE KEY IS NOT TO PANIC... let's call the school board.

A FEW MOMENTS LATER

Head of school board: HAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a good one, almost as good as the one with Jack, Jill, and the ripped condom! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Tech administrator of a school: HAHAHA yeah I know right *whispers* you are playing it cool, right?

Head of school board: *whispers* yeah we're fucked...

TWO HOURS LATER

Important fat people in one room: OH FUCK OH NO, HELP PLEASE!!!!! WAIT, HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TELL THE PARENTS ABOUT THEIR STOLEN INFORMATION!!!

AND SO THAT WAS THE BIRTH OF RIOTING TEACHER

What has 4 legs, then 3 legs, then 2 legs, then 1 leg, then no legs?

A baby you cut one off each time.

Two hats are next to each other. One hat says to the other, "Stay here, I'll go on ahead."

What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”

Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.

So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.

Two cows standing in a paddock, one says, "Moo." The other turns to him and says, "I was just going to say that!"

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

I ran into a dwarf and he said: "Well, I’m not Happy."

Then which one are you?

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."