Object jokes
Why are lamps so scared? Because someone might throw them away.
Your mom is so ugly that she made a mirror shatter.
What did the fox say to the fire?
You look hot!
What is green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?
A pool table.
I had a dream about being forced to eat a huge marshmallow.
I woke up and my pillow was gone.
When you do not touch grass :
An emo and a leaf fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?
The leaf, because the emo got caught by the rope.
What's grey and can't fly? A parking lot.
What's the difference between a child and a book?
One doesn't scream when you snap its neck.
That joke and paper have one thing in common: they're both tearable.
One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.
He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.
So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Is it just me, or are magnets really attractive?
Why do orphans love boomerangs?
Because they come back.
I ate a watch once... it was time-consuming.
What's the difference between a boomerang and parents to an orphan?
The boomerang comes back.
What's the only gun that doesn't exist in Africa?
A water gun.
Hairline got cut by a broken teacup.
What do a bike and a rubber duck have in common? They both have a handlebar, except for the duck.
What goes in dry and comes out wet and has white stuff at the end?
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.