Object jokes

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

I finally got a girlfriend.

Her name is Remington Model 32.

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

What's the difference between a baby and a brick?

A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.

What's long, brown, and sticky?

A stick.

One day, two friends found a treasure map. So they decided to try to find the treasure.

After several hours they found the treasure. It was a suit that gives the person wearing it super strength. One of the friends wore the suit and hugged the other friend. They were both red.

One time I ate a chair.

I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A saltshaker.

I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.

How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Two balls sit inside a bucket. One turned to another and said, "Hey man, boing, are you sentient, too?"

The other one said, "I’m sapient, you are sentient!"

BOINGZINGA!?!

What do you call a stupid mannequin?

A dummy.

Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

What does a plug do when he's horny?

He jacks off!

Your mama is so stupid that she put a ruler under her pillow to see how long she slept.

Yo mama is so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall.

What hits the ground first, an apple or an emo girl?

The rope would catch her.