I finally got a girlfriend.
Her name is Remington Model 32.
My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.
So I had him bring my wife.
What's the difference between a baby and a brick?
A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.
What's long, brown, and sticky?
A stick.
One day, two friends found a treasure map. So they decided to try to find the treasure.
After several hours they found the treasure. It was a suit that gives the person wearing it super strength. One of the friends wore the suit and hugged the other friend. They were both red.
One time I ate a chair.
I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.
What's one thing you'll never find in lost and found?
Your dad.
I gave my friend some paper. It cut his wrists.
Two balls sit inside a bucket. One turned to another and said, "Hey man, boing, are you sentient, too?"
The other one said, "I’m sapient, you are sentient!"
BOINGZINGA!?!
What's long, hard, and slimy?
A bar of soap.
What is fully grown but can fit through small objects? Michael Jackson.
Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.
If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.
Your mummy is so tall, she uses the Eiffel Tower as a dildo.
What does a plug do when he's horny?
He jacks off!
Your mama is so stupid that she put a ruler under her pillow to see how long she slept.
How do you call a cute door?
A-door-able.
Why didn't the chair cross the road? Because it was a chair.
What do you call a stupid mannequin?
A dummy.
