Object jokes

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

I finally got a girlfriend.

Her name is Remington Model 32.

Did you know an eraser on a pencil slowly dies from your mistakes?

And did you know you're actually supposed to live for 25 minutes, but every time you breathe, it resets time?

My son told me he has to bring an object for show and tell at school.

So I had him bring my wife.

What's the difference between a baby and a brick?

A brick doesn't cry when you throw it on a wall.

What's long, brown, and sticky?

A stick.

One day, two friends found a treasure map. So they decided to try to find the treasure.

After several hours they found the treasure. It was a suit that gives the person wearing it super strength. One of the friends wore the suit and hugged the other friend. They were both red.

One time I ate a chair.

I tried to find my watch I lost last week, but I didn't have the time.

What do you call a white person having a seizure?

A saltshaker.

What hits the ground first, an apple or an emo girl?

The rope would catch her.

What do you call a stupid mannequin?

A dummy.

Your mama is so stupid that she put a ruler under her pillow to see how long she slept.

What does a plug do when he's horny?

He jacks off!

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

Today I was asked what I wanted to be, and I said I wanted to be a pinata because I want to be hanged.

Two balls sit inside a bucket. One turned to another and said, "Hey man, boing, are you sentient, too?"

The other one said, "I’m sapient, you are sentient!"

BOINGZINGA!?!

What's long, hard, and slimy?

A bar of soap.

Yo mama is so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall.

How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.