Now you should let your imagination work... imagine naked Jesus with an erection... and nail holes in his hands...
A woman once didn't return home for the night, and the next morning when she arrived home, her husband started questioning her about where she had been. She lied, saying she slept at one of her friends' houses.
The man proceeded to call all her friends, all of whom denied her sleeping at their places the previous night.
Meanwhile, somewhere else, a man didn't return home to his wife for the night either. The following morning, his wife started questioning him, and he lied, saying he slept at a friend's house. She proceeded to call all his friends. All of them said that he indeed slept at their places the previous night, and one of them even insisted that he's still there, but he's using the bathroom and he can't talk right now!
I was listening to my children praying, and my youngest that can speak said to me: "Mama, why is Gramma dead?"
I smiled and told her, "Well, less than 10 years ago when I was 5, your age, my Momma took me into the basement with some hot rando during a party. And 9 months later Shinana was born. One Pedo after another and your 4 siblings were born. The Pedo I met last night told me, 'If your mother's the one making you do this, do what you do best.' I listened and the next day she didn't leave her bed breathing. When the Pedo found out he left me and your soon to be brother."
She replies with, "Make his child support expensive!" Now he has to pay me 2,000 U.S. dollars every month, like the other ones that ran away.
Friend 1: I HATE YOU!
Friend 2: *cries* b-but i-i didn't s-say that!!
Friend 3: *writes on paper with pencil cuz is so bored*
Me: *points at pencil lead* NOW NOW NOW THIS HAS *LEAD* TO SOME SERIOUS FRIENDSHIP LOSS! Plz shut up.
All my friends: *groan at horrible pun*
Tyler M is not to be sitting in the chair he is right now.
My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."
He said he didn't want to be my brother anymore.
He's now my sister.
I adopted you. Now say goodbye, you missed your Spanish lesson...
There was a new kid in my school. The first thing the teacher said was, "Me, you, the basement NOW!"
Jorden Calerendiá.
I bet you are a child molester who got out of jail and is now sexually harassing kids such as Addison! Will fuck off and get a life, by the way your roasts are not fucking funny they are bullshit like your face and your hairline.
Uma Thurman in "Pulp Fiction" was very kind and possibly the sweetest character, unless you count her forehead as of now.
We used to have a tail on the back... and now it moves forward.
At work: Hey guys, I'm gonna Arnold clock out now.
Children are so ungrateful nowadays. I got my daughter a bike, but now she’s crying on the floor saying, “I don’t have legs!”
"White on white crime, well ham rights crime anyway in Eastern Europe right now!"
Emo people are like other emo people, they're emo. Laugh now or I'll cut your eyes out. Tee hee!
I swear your eyebrows have attachment issues, they're touching right now.
Jamal had 75 candy bars. He ate 65. What does he have now?
Diabetes.
Why didn’t the orphan play baseball?
Because I took the bat and swung it at their kneecaps, and now they can’t run. What are they going to do, tell their parents?
A child's parents once lived in Chicago.
I wonder why he's in an orphanage now.
