Not jokes
I'm so good at talking to myself but not to others.
Hey Evan, this is Dad. Ya, I’m still not home.
In Rocket League, you don't care who wins game MVP as long as it's not somebody on the other team.
Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.
Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!
Orphan: I finally have a father!
God: And who is that?
Orphan: You!
God: Who the hell is you? Well, it's not me.
Orphan: :l
What do you call crabs that do not share their food?
They are shellfish! (ﾉ≧∀≦)ﾉ
Knock knock. Who's there? Well, I will tell you who's not there: my dad.
I asked this kid for a high five, but he could not reach my hand.
You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?
Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
My name is Watt.
What’s your name?
Watt’s my name.
Yes, what is your name?
My name is John Watt.
John What?
Yes, are you Jones?
No, I’m Knott.
Will you tell me your name?
Will Knott.
Why not?
My name is Knott.
Not what?
Not Watt, Knott!
*hangs up*
The president of a company comes in to talk to his employees. He says, "As you know, sales have been way down and many of you are not meeting your quotas. We decided to SHAKE things up a bit and introduce you to our new Vice President: Michael J. Fox."
What's the worst part about getting old?
Going to pull up the wrinkles in your socks, just to find out you're not wearing socks!
People think I'm racist but I'm really not.
I hate everyone equally.
When a sign says "Do Not Walk on the Grass," it does not apply to Stephen Hawking.
What's the difference between me and a corpse? I mean, I'm not dead... yet, right?
Why did the boy not cross the road?
Because he was on thin ice.
Why did the skeleton not go to the party?
You know why they call me 007?
0 girls.
0 chances.
7 restraining orders.
Why do orphans hate any milk?
Their dad did not come back for 10 years. Oh, sorry, he got lost in the store! 🤧
Okay so not a joke but like- There's a fucking noose in my school gym.