Not jokes
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because it's not original at all.
Why did Sally not come home from school today?
Because she died by a flying brick!
I'll remember my last words... "Sorry, I'm not sorry!"
Slade must be WiFi... because I’m not feeling a CONNECTION.
"Did everyone see that because I will not be doing it again."
- Captain Jack Sparrow
Q: Why didn't the Oak tree win the election?
A: He didn't get the votes he was oaking for, because he was not the popular vote.
Stephen Hawking, more like Stephens not walking.
Kids are cute, not even joking. Wanking is easy around them.
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
Friend: Hi.
Me: Do you know how lost their dad is?
Friend: Me?
Me: Damn, no, not you.
Friend: Then who?
Me: The orphan kid.
I guess we're the same.
What does a crooked lawyer who is not on the ACLU payroll have in common with a crooked politician who has an office in Washington, DC?
They both sign their names using a blue pen 🖊 🖊.
Why do orphans not play baseball?
Because they can't make a home run.
9/11 was a round of Clash of Clans; they knocked down 2 towers, not 3.
"That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face, and someone else is in my space."
Why do orphans not like the movie Frozen?
Because for them, love isn't an open door.
Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.
A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.
Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.
Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?
Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?
Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.
Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.
Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.
(5 seconds later)
Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!
I was at a funeral. I kissed a hot girl I did not know. She was the one that died.
Who's climbing the tree?..... Not Sarah.
Who is in hospital?.... Sarah.
I went to take out the trash, could not find you, so I went back in. The next day I found you.