Not jokes

What part of a vegetable can you not eat?

The wheelchair.

Me: *watching TV*

Mom: Omg, no way, your dad is coming!

Me: Really?

Mom: Obviously not, he never loved or wanted you.

Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.

Why would the chicken not cross the road?

Because it's too old. (The joke is old.) (The chicken is old.)

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.

My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.

I can’t take credit for this joke; it’s not mine.

Remember that time Joe Biden fell off his bike? He said it’s not his fault. He blamed the tires for being too inflated.

I'd love to move to a country ruled by Scott Stapp of Creed. Not only is it a place with golden streets, but it also welcomes people of all kinds with arms wide open.

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

Why did your daddy not come back with the milk?

Because you have no dad because your dad never loved you.

I'm so glad I am not gay. It seems like a pain in the ass.

LOL.

A guy does not know anything. Oh, wait, he has dementia.

I was doing a race, and I started after everyone 'cause I fell, but when I got up I realized I couldn't even race, not because I was behind, but because I can't go straight if I'm gay...

Kid: Imagine being an orphan!

Parents: Look who's talking, not you 'cause you ain't got no one to talk to! *vanishes*

Kid: WAIT, WHAT!

What do orphans not see on a controller?

The home button.

Jokes are like food.

Not everyone gets it.

What do orphans and apples not have in common? Apples get picked.

Why can orphans not get married?

They are dad can't walk them down the aisle!

If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.

C'mon guys, I know I'm not the only bored one around here!