Not jokes
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.
Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?
Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.
Was Jesus a virgin? Of course not! He was nailed before he was killed.
My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.
She does not exist.
The number 13? Not on my watch!
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
Stephen Hawking, more like Stephens not walking.
Why did the orange stop in the middle of the road?
Please take this down, it's not funny at all!
It's a joke, not a dick, so don't take it so hard!
What's the difference between a mother and a pigeon?
One doesn't eat their husband out.
A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,
"It's an elevator, not a lift!"
and
"It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"
He keeps going on until the Englishman says,
"Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."
It’s not rape if she’s a dead bear and I lost my job at the circus.
What do you call a girl with no legs? Sarah.
What do you call an Olympic gold medalist skiing? Not Sarah.
"Kill yourself. Stop thinking whether or not to do it, you dumb fucking cunt, no one likes you. Jump off a fucking 3 story building, bitch."
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because he’s not a full Esé.
Why did Billy not like the soccer ball he got for Christmas?
He has no legs...
How did Sally die?
She got shot.
How? She could not run away.
Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It was stuck in a crack.
What does food and dark humour have in common?
Not everybody gets it.