Nine jokes

What’s pink, nine inches, and makes my wife cry when I shove it down her throat?

Her Miscarriage.

Did you know nine of ten dentists recommend oral sex?

What is Jesus' favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails.

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Gotta be more than 9 'cause my basement is still dark.

There are three people in a plane that is about to crash: Trump, Obama, and a nine-year-old girl, but only two parachutes. Obama says, "Oh my, I need one. I need to protect my family," so he jumps off! Trump says, "Oh, I am the smartest man in the world. I must take it," so he jumps off. The nine-year-old girl says, "Welp, I guess he took my school backpack" :) so she leaves the plane! What a good ending.

"Lord of the Rings" is about a group of white Americans taking nine hours to return jewelry.

Why didn’t the train kill nine families of four?

Because he had no loco-MOTIVE. AHAHAH

"Nining leven BITCH. I don't know how to spell, but it's that shit where the planes flew into them towers."

How many beans are there in Irish chili?

Answer: 239

Why are there two hundred and thirty-nine?

Answer: (spoken in Irish Brogues) Because if you add one more, it'd be "two farty."

Why have kids? Just go get one now, no nine-month delay.

Why was 10 afraid?

Because he was in the middle of 9 and 11.

What is half of nine?

"ni"

Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.

Why is ten afraid? Because he’s in between nine and eleven.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because seven ate nine.

But 10 was afraid, why? Because it was in between 9 and 11.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.

But then why was 10 scared? Because it was in between 9 and 11.

Three guys landed on a cannibal island. The cannibal chef told them if they wanted to live, they had to go get 10 of one fruit and bring it to him, and he would tell them what to do.

So the first guy brings 10 apples, and the chef said if he could shove all 10 of those in his ass without making a sound, he could live. He was three apples in and made a sound, and they ate him. The second guy brought grapes; nine grapes in, and he burst out laughing. The cannibals ate him. Then the first guy said, "Why'd you laugh? You were almost there!" The other guy who had the grapes said, "I couldn't help it, I was told the third guy came back with 10 pineapples."

Who are the fastest readers? Nine-eleven victims, because they fell through 720 stories in under 10 seconds.

What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?

Her abortion.

Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.

Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.

A man found out that he was going to die.

A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"

Then he died and learned how to say no in German....