News jokes
Breaking news (2020): Depressed pigeon misses shitting on people.
There's a kid with loads of new firemen equipment and sees a fire engine go past and the kid asks the firemen, "Come have a look at my new gear." So the firemen go look at his gear, so then the kid says:
"I've got a helmet, a big jacket, and an oxygen tank, and a little wheelbarrow for my gear."
Firemen say: "Why is there a rope tied around a cat's balls?"
The kid says, "So I can have a siren nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn"
What is the New York fireman's favorite song?
It's raining men.
A news headline read: "A toddler has shot a person every week in the US for two years straight."
He was in the infantry.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"
Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."
Blitz: "HOLD ON! You better move that pussy wagon right now, or I’m gonna..."
Vortex: "You'll do what?"
Blitz: "Or I'll... uh... uh, I- I'll call HR!"
*Silence, then Verosika/me, Blitz, and Vortex bust into laughter. And then back to seriousness*
Verosika/me: "Anyway, meet my new Hellhound... Vortex. Unlike you, he actually does his job well." *leaves and flips Blitz off* "Ta-ta fuck stain."
Disney just released a new film about a poor kid with cancer. It’s called Finding Chemo.
What did Vegeta say to Bulma?
What?
Can I show you my new move? It's called BIG BANG ATTACKKKK! :)
New Gen iPhones are designed for orphans, because they don’t need a home button.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.
I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"
A joker gives Batman a coupon for new parents. It's expired.
An African man was walking in New York when he saw a sign that said, "Watch out for children."
He started laughing hysterically, then a white man asked him, "Why are you laughing?"
He said, "In Africa, they would never put up a sign like that."
I got the new phone with longer lasting battery, but it still lasts longer than your relationships, ooooooooooo!
How it be when the new guy takes too long...
Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.
Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.
Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.
Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.
Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.
Cancer is like your dad. It only comes back when Blueface baby drops a new album.
What's the difference between China and New York City?
In China, the Asians ride ON the trains. In New York City, they usually end up riding UNDER them.
Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?
They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.