Newness jokes

My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.

Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95

Anyone wanna chat? I'm new and don't know many people.

I saw a helicopter fly. Next minute, I knew Kobe was on the news.

New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.

Student: Stands up.

Teacher: Why did you stand up?

Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.

Dulux have created a new type of paint. It's called "Sue Grey." It covers up everything.

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

A joker gives Batman a coupon for new parents. It's expired.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.

You learn something new every day.

Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.

What do a brand new house, me, and new jewelry box have in common?

We're all empty on the inside.

You can play Jenga in two places now: New York and Miami (Chaplin Towers.) They probably have Jenga tournaments there every year.

How do you scare a lot of people in New York?

Open a mobile hotspot named "Delta Inflight Wifi."

It puts a whole new spin on meals on wheels. No pun intended.

Why does new pavement smell like butt?

In other words you can also call it asphalt.

Ass-phalt.

In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?

A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.

And Sterling has taken a dive.

That's all for financial news, back to the football.

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. They went through 110 stories in under 10 seconds.