Newness jokes

When your plane heads for New York...

How do you scare a lot of people in New York?

Open a mobile hotspot named "Delta Inflight Wifi."

And Sterling has taken a dive.

That's all for financial news, back to the football.

Anyone got any new jokes? I ran through all the pages already.

New teacher: Everyone stand up if you think you are stupid.

Student: Stands up.

Teacher: Why did you stand up?

Student: I hate seeing you stand up there by yourself.

What do Philippe Petit and New York citizens have in common?

They both walk(ed) over the Twin Towers.

You learn something new every day.

Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.

Why does new pavement smell like butt?

In other words you can also call it asphalt.

Ass-phalt.

In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?

A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.

We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

Who are the fastest readers in the world? New Yorkers. They went through 110 stories in under 10 seconds.

I drove my new rainbow-colored car today. For some reason, it wouldn't go straight.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID.

None of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently.

What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?

They usually don’t live to tell the tale.

What's the difference between your new girlfriend and a tornado? At first, there is a lot of blowing, and then your house will be gone.

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."