Newness jokes

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

What's Al Qaeda's favorite football team?

New York Jets.

There's a new Michael Jackson biopic in the works. There is a possibility that we will know who his love interest was.

What we know so far: Billie Jean is not his lover, and that kid [seen with him] is not his son. We also know that Michael Jackson said that sharing his bed with little boys is "healing" and an act of "sharing the love," so take that as you will.

Chump obviously wants to divorce Melania and marry Pootin, lmfao.

Where did little Lucy go during the bombing?

Everywhere.

Imperial Pilot: What do you think about the new Tie fighter?

Palpatine: Flew it.

Why does New York have the Jets as their football team if those are what took out the Twin Towers?

My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.

At least now I can have his phone he left.

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

Dulux have created a new type of paint. It's called "Sue Grey." It covers up everything.

Just got a new internet connected toaster. It wouldn't work until I enabled pop-ups!

What's the one thing me and the New Year's ball have in common?

It's not gonna be the only thing falling 50 stories this New Year's.

It's amazing how many things rhyme with blue.

Blue, sue, stew, poo, screw, new, boo, do, rue, glue, you, to, too, flew, you, goo, zoo, two, moo, woo, ooh, blew...

What did Pennywise become after LEAVING the circus? Ex-IT.

Confusion life question!!!

* Can you cry underwater? * Do fishes ever get thirsty? * Why don't birds fall out the tree when they sleep? * Why is a building called that when it's already built? * When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?

I'm doing a new thing where you say an object in the comments, and I will try to make a joke based off the object.

If you are interested, you can submit an object in the comments.

I will give the person credit each joke I do.

"Muffin Man, Muffin Man, he's gonna rape you in his van."

Hi, I'm new here and I'm 11. I'm just bored and want a girlfriend.

Does anyone have Snapchat or Twitter? I can show you what I look like ;)

Did you hear about the new drink commemorating Princess Diana?

It had nine shots and seven chasers!