Worst Jokes Ever

Apparently, Monica Lewinsky didn't vote for Hillary Clinton this election. She said the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Why did 10 die? -- He was in the middle of 9/11.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says "No Tres passing."

English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.

How do you cover 12 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 10. He replied, "I still love Vista, baby."

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. -- I'm not really a mourning person.