I'll turn ya nan into bonemeal.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotta-puss.
"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
Joe, I wish you had never asked me to scout for a fresh tight end.
Why is Megan a down?
Because her last name is Downy.
Life is beautiful, but you are ugly.
What did the North tower say to the south tower? "Sorry, can't talk, got to catch a plane."
Q: Why don't pedophiles win races?
A: Because they like to come in a little behind.
People who torture others for making bad puns should be severely punished.
So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.
Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."
And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"
Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"
What is the best part about having sex with 43 year olds?
There are 40 of them.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Me, myself, and I.
What do you call a snail without a shell?
Dead.
What was the last thing that went through JFK's mind? A bullet.
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"But I'm not dead yet!"
"But we're not there yet."
A horse, a fox, and a bunny join together and make a rock band. They started doing tiny gigs, but they got famous and went on tour. They all got so famous it went to their heads, and the band disbanded. The fox made his, and the bunny made her own. The horse was sad that the band was no more, so he went to a bar, and the bartender asked why the long face?
What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!
Lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but Chuck Norris does.
