Two boys are wandering in the woods, playing games.
Suddenly, they come across a naked lady, and one of the boys starts running. The other chases after him and asks: "Why did you start running?"
The boy replies with: "My mom said if I ever see a naked lady, then I would turn to stone. And I can already feel a part of me turning hard."
Teacher: Hey Timmy (the quiet kid), what comes after X?
The quiet kid: Splosion.
Teacher: What comes after A?
The quiet kid: AK-47.
Teacher: Faints.
What makes a 360 no-scope and JFK's assassination similar?
Both were some of the greatest achievements in history to achieve.
Yo mama's so stupid, when they said, "Order in the court," she asked for burgers and fries.
Your mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.
I dare you to smile like a donut. Did you do it?
How do you know if there's a vegan in the room?
Wait 2 minutes and they'll tell you.
What's the natural cure to an old man's inability to forgive people?
Alzheimer's.
Your parents are so proud of you. They LOVE you! <3
Your smile is so nice that the moon shines off them.
You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!
You're so wonderful that Wonderland booked tickets to meet you!
You're so brilliant and bright that the Sun wears sunglasses when you're near!
You're so awesome that the word 'awesome' demanded its title back!
You're so cool that celebrities take pictures of you.
I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.
A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."
My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.
If you hit an Indian person on the forehead with a dart, is it considered a bullseye?
