And the Lord said onto John, "Come forth to receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I still remember my dad's last words: "Don't worry son, Allah will be pleased."
Commander: "Fire a warning shot."
Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."
Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."
Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*
Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"
What do you call a skeleton in the snow? A numb skull.
I’m reading a book on antigravity right now.
It’s impossible to put down.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You think violets are blue, what the hell is wrong with you?
You're so poor, people break into your house and leave things.
I went to see my grandfather in the hospital because I wanted to get to know him better before he passed, maybe take a selfie with him. But when I got there my phone died, so I unplugged a vacuum to plug in my phone. And it turns out he only knows Spanish, so when he kept saying, "Me desconectaste el soporte de mi vida," I thought he wanted water. But when I got back with the water he was asleep, and now my phone was charged, so I translated what he said. And it was, "You unplugged my life support." That's when I called the doctor...
Good news is, I got one sick selfie!
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he broke his leg?
Hospital or Currys PC World?
What do you call a smart blonde?
Nonexistent.
Have you heard about the movie about constipation?
Me neither, it hasn't come out yet.
Q: What do you call white people on a black bus?
A: Oreo
I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.
What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
HAAAAAANNNNDDDDEEEEEEYYYYEEEEEE!
Did you hear about the dyslexic cop? He jumped off his horse and blew his whistle!
What did the doc say to the skeleton? You're skele-a-ton.
What does a tuna, piano, and a tub of glue have in common?
You can tune a piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
But what about the glue? said Bob I. I knew you would get stuck on that!
Some people call them glue sticks, but they're blue sticks.
Rock, paper, lesbians.
A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.
He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.
