Never jokes

Roses are red, the sky is blue, what do you do? Oh, never mind, I'm not homo like you.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

My name is what orphans can never have.

Why will we never get hungry in the desert?

We have lots of sand-which's.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!

Q: How many letters are in The Alphabet? A: There are 11 letters in The Alphabet

Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy)

Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle)

Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and ? A: David!

Q: If you were in a rainforest, what would be the first thing you put on? A: The radio!

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

No matter how big the jar, there is one thing that can never fit inside it. What is it?

What is the reason for why women never look to the right?

Because they don't have any rights.

I will never forget my little brother's last words, RIP.

His last words: "Paint doesn't taste good."

Never eat more than you can lift.

Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.

Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.

Did you hear about the unborn fetus? Oh wait, never mind, it must have been aborted from the sight.

Wanna hear a pizza joke? Never mind... It's too cheesy.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

'Cause they can never hit a homerun.

Why do orphans have water with their cereal?

Because the dad never came back with the milk.

Why was Stephen Hawking never trusted when taking a quiz?

"No computers allowed on the test!"

Chalie has an eating disorder, and he is shorter, so is his life, but he will never get a wife. He's a gay motherfucker who wants to be hit by a trucker?

I saw a news ad on TV about a dad coming home after getting milk. I said, "I've never seen that one before!"

Huggy Wuggy and Kissy Missy had a baby.

They never gave him a name, so they just played cut the rope with him...