My jokes
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw a light bulb?
Oh wait, Michael Jackson only screws little boys, my bad.
I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.
Memes
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"
So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?
My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}
My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.
Me: Your ugly...
Person: I'm not your mirror...
Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p
My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."
Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.
You dirty-minded bastard!
Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?
That's what happened to my dog.
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.
I wasn’t understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, “Let me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.”