My jokes
What’s the difference between a hundred decapitated babies and a Ferrari? I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.
My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"
Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.
Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)
So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?
How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw a light bulb?
Oh wait, Michael Jackson only screws little boys, my bad.
Memes
My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.
My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.
My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}
I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's joking.
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
Me: Your ugly...
Person: I'm not your mirror...
Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p
Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?
That's what happened to my dog.
My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.
Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.
My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."
Did anyone get my joke? It probably flew over your heads, oops I meant through.
I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.
You dirty-minded bastard!
My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."