My jokes

Someone: When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to cheer up.

Me: My, what a great idea! Why didn't I think of that? ;)

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

My mom said I need Jesus in my life, so I drunk up the holy water ;}

My ex-girlfriend got hit by a bus. I also lost my bus driver's license.

Me: Your ugly...

Person: I'm not your mirror...

Me: I never told you to be my mirror :p

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

Shit! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

My wife and I watched The Perfect Murder together. Excellent movie, but what disturbed me though was my wife constantly taking notes.

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.

Someone at school judged my grammar.

I judged theirs by the terms "school" and "rifle range" being mixed up the next day.

I wasn’t understanding what I had to do for homework, so my teacher said, “Let me break it down for you like the Twin Towers.”

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.

The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.

With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"