My jokes

I did a walk today, but it was good for me and my car. And a walk today.

Me: Hi Kallen.

Kallen: Hi.

Me: You're too big to fit in my car.

Do you want to know why I hired a protractor to tutor my nephew in IIROC? Because he has degrees. 180 of them. So he's smar[t].

Have you heard about my new can crushing job?

It's soda-pressing.

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

At night, before I got in bed with my girl, I had 206 bones, but I developed a 207th bone.

EVERYONE:

"My boyfriend, Danny, broke up with me. Can some hot guy come, so I can interview them and see if they wanna date me?"

My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!

My bestie: Are you dirty-minded?

Me: Do I have dirt in my mind? No.

It’s funny my sister wanted to have sex with me.

I remember my son's last words: "I stubbed my toe!"

My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.

Orphan: Favorite song?

My name:

My [blank] is long and yellow that can't swim.

A school bus full of children.

My dad died in 9/11....

He was a good driver.

Q: What did the grandma cat say to her grandson when she saw him slouching?

A: You need to pay more attention to my pawsture.

I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.

"So what, ah, my G?"

Hi, my name is Moo, what is your name? Moo.

Happy birthday to you, you look like a ball, can’t fit in my jaws, I try to suck it.