My jokes

"Immobile" means "I'm mobile" in my books.

My girlfriend has a huge crush on Jupiter, I mean she fell HARD!

Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."

My friends were really annoying me at my birthday party, so I decided to pop a balloon to spook them.

Maybe going on a hot air balloon ride wasn't the best idea.

I was camping with my buddy, and there was a fire. We were roasting marshmallows, and there was a vine. I tripped on it and went penis first into the fire, and I said, "Well, there goes your children, stupid ass!"

I gave my blind friend a piece of sandpaper. He said it was the most gruesome book ever.

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday, the ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

Evan, yo mum rode on my big PP love, dad.

In life, it’s either yeet or get beat, and I clearly failed yeeting as a child, as my dad beat me.

I tend to think my ‘depression’ is for attention. I guess I have depressed depression.

Kid's uncle: "Your mum said you can have your friends round tonight! But I'm gonna have to baby sit today."

Kid: "OK THANK YOU."

(AT BED TIME)

Kid: "Please may you stop touching my leg BEN!"

Ben: "I'm not."

(Turns light on) Kid: "UNCLEEEEE STOP SPILLING MILK OVER ME!!!"

There is nothing funnier than my life. (Evan 2020)

On April 1st, there was a baby born in the hospital when the doctor, out of sudden, directly takes the baby from the mother and smashes as hard as he can to the wall.

The mother crying and yelling, "What did you do? You killed my Baby!! Why did you kill my Baby?"

The doctor just laughs and says, "April, April, it was already dead."

Hahaha

My grandma always told my dad if a bird ever got in your house/truck, someone would die later that exact day.

She found out she had cancer. 11 months later, my grandpa died of a stroke. I hope to see them in heaven. I’d like to meet them. Pls comment good things. I really, really love them, even though I didn’t get to meet them. 😭😭😭

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I don't know, there are twenty in my basement, and my basement light still isn't fixed.

So, I'm sitting here smacking on some cheese ball BBQ my titties, and then I felt a shoe get shoved all the way up my ass. I cried, then turned around and said, "MOTHERFUCKING COCK SUCK FUCKIN GAY ASS HOE SHOVIN SHOE’S UP MY ASS SON OF A BITCH!" Then turned around, punched, and got smacked in the face. Went in for another punch, got smacked in the face, then people staring at me. I said, "WTF r u starin at," I punched as hard as I can, then got knocked out. I though this this isnt over motherfucker imma find u and kill u next thing i new i was in the hospital they told me why tf were u fighting a stops sign? I said what u were fighting a motherfuckering stop sign i sad bitchi aint crazing yo head a stop sign son of a bitch fuck my pussy u must be high! hai es a bitch muhfuhcka

I love breakups. My ex-girlfriends always end up in pieces.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

My friend said, "Dude, if you don't put your desk in line with the column, you're gay." So he did it, and I said, "Well, I guess now he's straight." ;D

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.