My jokes

My newly wed wife is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.

Once I was riding my bike and saw a $5. I jumped off and died.

I spy with my little eye something starting with, actually I have TWO normal eyes.

I took my girlfriend to the beach and a marine biologist thought she was a beluga whale!

Can someone be my daddy?

Hi, my name is Moo, what is your name? Moo.

My mom left me at a very young age.

I remember my son's last words: "I stubbed my toe!"

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The guy behind the bar says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets!"

James, sike, I lied, your mommy is pancakes, is so dry.

My best friend: Joey, sike, I lied, your Twitch is dry.

My other friends: the winner is................. my guy James!

My bestie: Are you dirty-minded?

Me: Do I have dirt in my mind? No.

EVERYONE:

"My boyfriend, Danny, broke up with me. Can some hot guy come, so I can interview them and see if they wanna date me?"

My life is like a grenade... I pull off the ring and, BOOM, it explodes!

My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.

What’s the difference between the milk and drugs?

My dad brought the drugs back, not the milk though! 😭

My boyfriend's sister is mad because I smashed his girl.

Orphan: Favorite song?

My name:

My [blank] is long and yellow that can't swim.

A school bus full of children.

My dad died in 9/11....

He was a good driver.

I killed myself, then woke up.