My jokes

My therapist said: "Time heals all wounds."

I shot her, now we wait.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11... Allahu Akbar!

My sis told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry...

So I threw a coconut at her.

My dad told me a story today. His mom, my grandma, said if a bird gets in your house, someone will die.

That day, a hummingbird got in his UPS truck, and that’s the day he found out that my grandma had cancer. 😭😭😭😭😭 6 weeks later, she died. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

YOUR MOM sucks my dick 24/7.

Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.

Went to my friend's house, fucked his sister.

I had a fun funeral / birthday.

My sister is pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad.

Yeah, you can call me daddy, son.

My therapist told me time heals all wounds, so I stabbed him.

Then I waited for the results.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

Like my daddy? Too bad you don't have one.

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and ten 6-year-olds?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

The first time riding my bike was a lot like my first time having sex.

It was hot. I was sweaty, but my sister had her hands on my shoulders all the time.

My name is Myria, my right nut.

I love going to church to get closer to God, but my least favorite part of church has to be touching the priest’s penis.

Roses are red, violets are blue, like my hole, Uncle Bill is making me full, better run here he comes!

True story: In 1986, in the midst of the HIV epidemic, they made condoms available to the public. At that time, me and my boyfriend were 13 years old. My boyfriend was so happy: "These will make great water balloons!" And I was even happier. I did not have to pack a lunch for school tomorrow, lol.