My Jokes

19. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

My friend; you lit my mind: that's what the lighter said to my thighs

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

the last thing i told my ex after we broke up was “at least we’re still cousins”😂

Two men are in a rainforest and one of them is peeing. Suddenly a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “ Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!”. He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out. The man wen back to the other man and said, “ There is no hope, you will die.”

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

I asked my girlfriend if he wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran

Teenager: OMG, I’m prego, my moms gonna kill me Baby: Lmao, same

I tried to get my bloood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside

I have MP3s on my computer that are older than Johnny Depp's new significant other.

A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick, but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

i wish my grass was emo then it would cut itself

What's the difference between my thighs and my eyebrows? Nothing, I slit both of them.

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life change when I found out she was under the horse.

I wont ever Forget my dads last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break. The first guy says “If I get a vegimite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.” The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”. The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” The next day the first guy gets a vegimite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.” The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.” The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”