My Jokes

19. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

A wife and husband was setting up their computer and the husband makes the password my dick, but the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset

I asked my girlfriend if he wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran

Teenager: OMG, I’m prego, my moms gonna kill me Baby: Lmao, same

My friend while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: You're priceless When we get to the checkout: I'm actually $2.50

I tried to get my bloood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard, the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills." grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence." grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life change when I found out she was under the horse.

i wish my grass was emo then it would cut itself

I wont ever Forget my dads last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. he said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"...

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

sticks and stones may break my bones but a crowbar could do it so much quicker

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. -- She was eaten by a giant crab.

I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement .

i just found out my ex got stabbed today....lets just say i lost my job as a butcher