My jokes

I tried to get my blood sucked by a vampire, but he said I was too empty inside.

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut itself.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.

Me: Want to play 911?

My little brother: What's that?

Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.

I won't ever forget my dad's last words: "OH GOD THE POLICE!!!"

A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.

A pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers. The passenger asks, "Why did you become a pilot?" The pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says, "You're afraid of heights?" "No, I'm afraid of dying alone."

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.

She was eaten by a giant crab.