My jokes

My therapist said I have trouble letting go of the past. So I killed him.

What did the barbwire say to big foot? "My name is Jeff."

One day, I was walking through a park when I realized it was crowded.

To this day, I still don't know who let the children out of my basement.

My wife wanted something that went from 0 to 80 very quickly.

So I brought her a new bathroom scale.

My friend is a proud liberal, and she is about open minds, but she hates white men unless they’re gay and black men unless they’re conservatives. She hated slavery, but she’s for the party for keeping it.

My mom was telling me about different pastas. So many pastabilities!

My boss doctor said that we are getting a surgeon coming in tomorrow. I'm super excited to work with him. The next day, we had to do our first-ever open heart surgery, so me and the surgeon spent many hours on this patient. We finished the surgery and went outside for a smoke, and we were talking. I said, "Why did you keep the patient's blood on your glove?"

He replied, "We in my free time I test it for anything diseases, HIV." The next day, I got invited to his house, and we had some drinks. I said, "This is amazing red tea. What is in it?" Just the 2000 people you have cut open.

Q. What’s black and blue and doesn’t like to have sex?

A. The little girl in my trunk.

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

Jesse: Do you like my ball?

Mike: Yes, they are very big. I can’t even fit them in my mouth. You bought a new ball, right?

Jesse: No, they do not leave me.

The reason why in the US their emergency number is 911 is because of my uncle Mohamed, RIP, best pilot ever.

Kris

Damn this shit!

Megan Thee Stallion: What!

Kris: My mother is a fucker!

The whole world:

OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

I spy with my little eye something starting with, actually I have TWO normal eyes.

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"

I got a PS5 for my nine-year-old sister. At the time, I thought it was the best trade I’d ever made. But now I’m regretting not being able to molest her anymore.

What do you call 2 emos making out in a science classroom?

My Chemical Romance.

Once my friend saw my wrist, slapped it and said "I like ya cuts, G!"

My father, who flew the plane, couldn't have a funeral, he went everywhere.

My girlfriend sent “a let’s break up text” right when I was done editing our pics.