My jokes
My dad died in the attacks. He was the best pilot Pakistan has ever seen, Allahu Akbar!
Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"
Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"
Every time my cousin and I, we settle it out with our game, so we play rock paper scissors. 😂🤣🤣
Why does my girlfriend have a dick? Oh wait, I'm gay.
This isn’t a joke, but my name [is] Mr. Cheese.
Don't tell me I haven't got balls. I just happen to wear mine on my chest, and I can guarantee they're a lot bigger than yours!
In Australia, my jokes are high koala-ty.
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
I woke up today, and my mom said it was 1940.
Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(
Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.
Guy: Where are they then?
Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].
How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
Must be more than 9, my basement is still dark!
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy". (My bad if this offended anyone.)
I lost my job making storage units for the police after a week. I guess you could say it was a brief case.
I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.
A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."
best friend makes 9/11 joke.
you: "hey, my dad was inside the tower."
best friend: "I'm sorry."
you: "I always knew he was a great pilot."
Btw friend here also wants to do suicide.
Friend: Why did I cross the road? Me: To get to the other side. Friend: True!
Friend: Hey let's go hang out at the forest today! Me: Ok *grabs ropes for the both of us and rushes outside bc this is a lucky day* Friend: Hey at least we did it!
Friend: What's the best thing about me? Me: You will eventually end. Friend: Hmmmmmm . . . true!
Friend: What historical time influenced you the most? Me: The great depression.
If I could be an object I'd be glass because I'm see-through and I can shatter with the minimum difficulty immediately!
My parents sometimes say I'm their sunshine! . . . because I'm painful if you look at me.
Teacher: What does km/s mean? Me+like almost all of the class: *in unison* It means kill myself but misspelled.
Friend: What's the best way to end a game? Me: With death. Friend: . . . Hmmm now that you think about it yeah! That's the best way!
When you're about to jump down a cliff but you realize that you can't litter there.
Google says that you're about 75% water but I'm made of 101% depression 101% anxiety 101% suicidal 101% stress.
Brain be like will_to_live.exe, happiness.exe, and many more others not found also you have now got crippling_depression.exe, anxiety.exe, suicide_thoughts.exe, suicide_attempts, and stressful_life.exe so so so much many more.
How do you keep weeds away? Just put a bucket of crippling depression and suicidal thought and attempts in the soil and then they just kill themselves. Problem solved.
When you take antidepressants but they don't work it will just make you more depressed and that's a fact.
A bored depressed suicidal person: *sees a dying person* Dying person: P-l-pls c-c-c-call m-me a-an amb-b-bulancccee *wheeze* *dies* Bored depressed suicidal person: Hmmmm ur an ambulance Dying person: *manages to get back up* Bored depressed suicidal person: Oooooohh goddddd Dying person: *in a demonic tone* BUT NOT FOR ME~
Roses are red, Inside I'm dead, I have crippling depression, Some one pls shoot my head.
When you finally open up to a person who you think will care and understand but it turns out that they don't. You: *panickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanicking*
The only time you should lift your spirits up is when your gonna hang yourself.
A made-up story starting now. So I went to school as usual. There's a school shooting. All the depressed suicidal people: *crave death* *walks up to shooter* all say KILL ME A made-up story starting ending.
In this one the friend isn't suicidal. Friend: Wanna play a game? Me: Life wait no a game has a meaning. Friend: . . . *crickets* Friend: Calls suicide hotline. Me: Wait no!!!!!
Me: *has crippling depression* *asks mom why I was born* Mom: Hmmm I think I was drunk and on a lotta drugs. Me: Hmmm tysm *gets the rope* Mom: *making hanging puns* Me: *hurries to the trash truck*
Me: At this point I've lived about a decade depressed and suicidal that I don't struggle with it now, I'm good at it and it's all normal.
Hope you enjoyed.
My friend told me she had a good joke and it beat all mine. I said, "Haha, that is funny!"
My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."