My jokes

"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."

"Sing in music lesson"

"I want to die, I want to die, I want to choke myself, break my neck and die."

I will always remember my dad's last words...

Oh wait, I never knew them.

I molested a child today, and it felt quite lovely on my penis! 👍

I had a disability where I kept pronouncing my "g" as an "r", so one day, I said I liked grapes. Of course, I pronounced it "I like rapes." I was kicked out of preschool.

I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.

Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.

Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).

I was chopping onions with my brothers, so my little sisters cried. Onions was a good dog.

Me and my cancer

Are like a game of Fortnite.

I’ll never win.

When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”

Someone telling a joke:

Boy: "My parents are dead."

Girl: "My grandad is too."

Orphan who listened to it: "That joke is dead!"

Person who told the joke: "So is your family!"

My dad always used to beat me, but he never beat cancer.

Lady: I am going to come to your house.

Man: Ok.

An hour later, the lady is at the man's house. The man meets her outside of the house.

Man: You are going to cum to my house!

And then he fucks her.

My dick itches.

What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!

FRIEND: Hey, want to come to my house?

LONELY ORPHAN/TRUMP: Want to come to my orphange?

FRIEND: Dude, I'm blocking you!

LONELY ORPHAN: :(

I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."

A man came running into a hospital saying, "Doctor, Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know I amputated your arms!"