My jokes

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

Dear Kenya, love of life,

Thanks for commenting on my jokes, and thanks for being a nice person to me! Love, Jaden. You can tell by the emojis 🥰😍❤️💞!

Love you a million times more!

Gwen I set out some chats for us just got to pr!

Btw I can't chat because I lost my internet stuff, so I am using my school computer. I don't have long, but I will make sure to have some time 4 u.

"-JuicyFruitSnacks- A whole lot of pepper and a whole lot of salt. If I blame it on my friends, it won't be my fault."

-Mully- This is my mom left!!

Sometimes I look at my butt for a really, really long time, and suddenly it all becomes clear to me.

A man walked into a bar with an AK-47 with a 50-round mag and yelled out, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" Everyone was quiet.

One man at the back stood up and called, "Sorry mate, but I don't think you have enough bullets."

Guys, my girlfriend calls me: "911, help! There’s a strange man in my room and I think he’s on drugs!"

She’s so nice.

I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)

Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.

Me.

You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.

I hate the 9/11 jokes; my dad and grandpa were killed.

My dad was one hell of a pilot.

Grandpa was a hell of a planner.

When I get home from school, I always lay on my floor crying and wishing I was dead.

Bully: My mom says I'm not allowed to burn trash.

Me: (quiet)

Bully: HEY I'M TALKING TO YOU.

Me: Are you talking to yourself? Because I was listening to music until I heard you.

My balls when I see Tazzaro: boioioioioioing.

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

Why don’t orphans play baseball? Cause they don’t know where home is!

Knock, knock.

Who is there?

Your Nan.

WHAT? MY NAN IS DEAD!

Doctor: I’m so sorry, sir, but you only have a couple months left.

The sir: My children will be devastated.

Doctor: But I have a shot that can change that.

The sir: Whatever it takes.

*Suppressed gunshots*

Q: Name a murderer?

Aborted fetus: My mum.

Me: Spell "I cup."

My Friend: I see you pee.

Me: BOII YOU BETTER GIVE MEH SOME PRIVACY IN MY BATH ROOM!!!!

My Friend: Oh hehe O-O

Tooth 1: Hey, do you like my jokes?

Tooth 2: Yeah, but they're cracking me up.

My wife slept with another man and got pregnant. She told me 9 weeks later. I said it's ok and told her let's talk downstairs, so I pushed her down the stairs.

My girlfriend broke up with me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back!