My jokes

My dad and I were talking and my cat left the room.

So I said, "I guess she wasn't feline it."

My dad said, "You've got to be kitten me, that was purrfect!"

I said, "Literally."

Your hairline is so far back that when I put on my glasses, I thought I saw an "M" for McDonald's on your hairline.

New Orleans cuisine has always been my favorite; however, I only eat gumbo on oc-cajun.

Me: Yo, dude! Yo mama so fat when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes!

My friend's mom: Why you bully me?

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa said he had a glimpse of it in the 1960s.

Q: What's the similarity between a dog and a bed?

A: I can jump on my bed. A: And I use a pillow on both of them.

The Queen: "I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm so old that my pussy is haunted!"

Two friends are in a hospital lobby. Friend 2 notices Friend 1 crying.

Friend 1: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 2: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 1: "I came here for a blood test."

Friend 2: "So? Are you afraid?"

Friend 1: "No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

Friend 2: "*crying hysterically*"

Friend 1: "Why are you crying?"

Friend 2: "I came here for a urine test."

My favorite bartender serves drinks so strong, he gives a "get well soon" card with each one of them!

My mom is actually a mum! 😱

I can’t remember if I already said this or not. I might have already said this. Also, this is a true story.

So, I’m walking into a store in Amish country, and there’s this guy with a bear trap. Then my mom’s friend says, "This guy’s gonna catch some bears." Then the Amish guy stops, looks around, and whispers, “It’s for democrats.”

You: I want my mama.

Me: Soz, you can't even get one.

Is your name ooOOo? Because my name is lalala.

oOO laLA!

My middle name is Brian. I was so proud of being able to spell my full name till someone pointed out "Johnny Brain Walker" was incorrect.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So I took away his towers, and he took away my queen.

Jeffy: "Daddy, Daddy, a monster said it’s gonna poop in your hat!"

Marvin: "I don’t believe that."

Jeffy: "But he said, 'Jeffy, I’m gonna poop in your Daddy’s hat!'"

The next morning,

Jeffy: "Daddy, a monster pooped in your hat!"

*Marvin/Mario looks in his hat*

Marvin: "Jeffy, I don’t believe you, you pooped in my hat!"

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

Nah, I'm Hawaiian but I'm also Japanese. So does that mean I bombed my own harbor?

The only thing brighter than my cuteness is the fire on the Twin Towers.

I hate it when couples get into a little fight and they change their Facebook status to "single." I have fights with my parents, but I don't change my Facebook status to "orphan."