My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."
Me: Man I wish my clothes were emo. Friend:Why? Me:so they would hang themselves
3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break. The first guy says “If I get a vegimite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.” The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”. The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” The next day the first guy gets a vegimite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.” The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.” The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE
My favorite toast for parties:
May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.
So i asked my mom for a bath bomb she just gave me a toaster
friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! i'll be in court.
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words ... through the pillow.
After long consideration, I’ve decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.
If you wanna really know how to get under my skin, give me a razor and maybe we'll talk ;)
my pencil sharpener when i bleed: aAnd i dont really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
i love u like my cuts deeply
Patient: “Doctor my bottom hurts” Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?” Patient: “Right around the entrance” Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance it will hurt”
There's four people on a roof a Mexican, Asian, black guy, and a white guy. The Mexican walks over to the ledge and says "this is for my people" and jumps off, the Asian also walks over to the ledge and says "this is for my people" and jumps off, then the black guy walks over to the edge and says "this is for my people" and pushes the white guy off.
Website: Submit a joke :-) Me: My life.
My grandpa was amazing. He killed hitler
Little Sally found out that she had hair on her private area and whent up to her mom and asked "mom I have hair on my privates,what is it?" "OH honey thats your monkey." The mom says So little Sally runs up to her big sister and says "my monkey has hair on it" so the sister replies with a laugh "you think thats cool my monkey is already eating bananas
This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.
