My jokes
One day my ex-best friend lied about his computer dying when he left the call and watched YouTube.
My sister was hitting on my boyfriend. I'm 11, she's 9. She said, "Go f-ck yourself," so I said, "Okay, thanks for the idea!"
Yβall can actually see them at all, my toe.
One day my pet barked at me and so I got scared and was my dad actually. It was weird, you shouldβve saw him and so the day goes on because he likes to run around the house that he likes to do it out πππππ±
My friend Richard is always bullying all the little kids in the neighborhood. He is such a dick.
Memes
My friend has a dog who looks like cocoa. Her name is Cocoa!
The other day, my best friend flipped off the table in class. I thought it was flipping amazing!
How many babies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? More than 40 because my basement is still dark.
Why are you censoring my friend Franz? He's just making jokes, but you admins get offended too easily, f*cktards!
What did my dad say before he went to go get milk?
"There's money in my wallet for pizza. I love you."
I turned the light on, and my dad said turn it off, so I unplugged his life support.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Your dad.
But my dad's dead.
I know, just reminding you!
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"
I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.
My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.
You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.
I'll shut up now.
I see a poor guy. Mini me be like- mama, can I give my spare money to him? π€ And my mum says yes, so I give my money and home feeling SO NICE, while MY MOM knows he's going to spend it on DRUGS. We go back tomorrow and then after we go to the same place and then I see him with drugs.
Me- what I think fck what I do π.
My life.
Every time I come in the kitchen, my girl is in the kitchen in the damn refrigerator eating all the food, like the fried chicken, the mashed potatoes, the collard greens, mac and cheese, and the cornbread.
Then I said I wanna eat some of that shit. I love soul food. Then I told her, "You keep it up; your fat ass is going to be big like the house on Haunted Hill."
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
My nan's gayyyyyy.
Monkey: What ya doing?
Other monkey: Just you know, "hanging around."
Bad joke, right? I just can't think of something amazing. It's like my brain is "hanging."