My jokes
"I only eat food on the right of my plate."
"Are you good at eating?"
"I'm alright at eating."
We were at a restaurant today, and my dad was talking about a place called Sea Ranch.
I asked, "What do they raise there? Sea horses?"
*The doctor asking why I've broken 19 bones in the past week*
*My abusive mum- Go on, tell him!*
Well what am I gonna do now...
When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”
I got my daughter a trampoline for her birthday. The ungrateful bitch just sat there in her wheelchair and cried.
My son came up to me and said, "Dad, I'm depressed."
I pointed to the spare room and said, "Hang in there, son."
Dude, people gotta stop letting 9/11 jokes fly around like bro, you're gonna make my brain explode!
POKEMON THEME SONG JOKE: I wanna be the berry best, like no one ever was.
To bitch them is my real pest, to brain them in my toss. I will gravel across the land, perching war and wide. Fuse Pokemon to under-strand, the lower that's in psyche.
Poke him on! Gotta joke them all it's Fru and me, All I know is my dress tiny, Poke him on! Yeah, you're my pest friend, In a world you must de-blend, Poke him on!
Gotta joke them all my shirts so true, My outrage will flush us through. You bitch me and I ditch you, P-O-K-E-M-O-N!!!
Gotta joke them all, Gotta joke them all!
Poke him on!
Feel my shirt...it's boyfriend material.
Little Johnny stooped down to lick my balls and deep dick my throbbing knob.
I’m going to open my own Mexican restaurant and call it boarder patrol.
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.
What is the difference between a human and a magic house to get to a tree and a house to get to the earth to get home 🏡? Day today I have to get my kids and oooooo.
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Boy, if you don't get your "I'm Burger King with my Burger Queen!"
I have fuck and sex with all the sexy naked ladies and they suck my balls (penis), but you ain't have no girlfriend. Your only friend, they call him ching chong coz of your hairline.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."