My jokes
Hi. My name's Stephen Hawking. What's your disability?
What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.
My mom told me, "You son of a b!tch." I told her, "I may be a son of a b!ch but at least I am not the bitch." She hated me forever.
Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.
Yesterday I was in a wind storm.
Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.
HERE ARE MY DOGS
Stop making jokes about 9/11. My dad died in 9/11.
Best pilot of Southern Arabia
Allahu Akbar.
My brother was stuck in a wheelchair after a motorbike accident. He became a swimming champion until I took the VR headset off.
One woman said to the other, "This child is truly cruel!"
The second woman replied, "Did I say 'child'?"
The first woman said, "I beg your pardon; I didn't know you were my father!"
Me and my girlfriend broke up, and I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink, but they wouldn’t listen, so he kept warning them. Then he was kicked out of the theater.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor, because I need new parts for my go-kart.
I wish I was dead like my jokes.
Me: Ok so let's get this straight....
Cop: I'm not straight ok, now get in the car.
Me: But I didn't do anything?
Cop: No.
Me: So why are you arresting me then?
Cop: Imma tell you a story.
Me: Oh no.......
Cop: I know, now come on.
Me: Ok where?
Cop: My room.
Me: Which room?
Cop: My bedroom.
Me: 😱I'm a girl.
Cop: So am I, now get in.
Me: But I'm 9.
Cop: I'm 59.
So I was living with a girl for a few weeks, and it was nice until she found out that I was there.
My grief counselor died the other day.
He was so good at his job, I don't even care.
Ohh my god, it's a dinosaur with a huge ass mothafuckin' noseeee!!!!
Dababy in my dickle trickle when eating my pickle.
My friend told me that he saw a yacht went close in to the yeti's eye, so I said to my friend, "Did the yeti kiss?" But my friend said, "No, the yeti have to play games every single day, or the yeti will die."
"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"
"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."
My teacher: Time can't count.
Me: Every second counts.
My teacher: Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh!