My jokes

I stole my friend's amnesia medication the other day, he was pretty pissed.

But I reminded him of the age-old mantra: "Forgive and forget!"

Had an amazing night with this girl, woke up, and it was my aunt. Now I’m in love.

POV: Your grandma is on life support. I would unplug her life support to charge my third phone.

Me: Yo wanna play 9/11?

My Friend: What’s that?

Me: It’s a game where I kick you in both legs and watch you fall.

I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?

My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.

My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

My friend told me I should be a stand up comedian but... I prefer sitting.

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"

My friend asked me why I haven’t had milk in six years.

I told him my dad never came back with it.

She’s so therapeutic.

When I need to cure my restlessness, I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your mom's breastestess!

Nah, bruh, my hairline straighter than a gay person's.

I complained to my dad why he never took me to the zoo.

He said if they want you, they’ll come get you.

Thanks to the voice who keeps telling me to let go,

he is my only motivation for trying again.

Little off topic but...

Mum: You wouldn't be here without me.

Son: And my birth certificate is a sorry letter from the condom factory.

Mum: Fair point.

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

"hvhuhdsjcjdsijdskdsivhdsvhsjdvnsjdvdshvgdshgsdhfgh" That's what my friend said when he gave an EpiPen. I don't know why, though.

Your hairline's less straight than my dad's.

What does Marine stand for?

My Ass Rides In Navy Equipment.