My Jokes

Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

What's My Favorite Thing About My Grandpa?

His life insurance...

I wish my dad was home. I haven’t seen him since the shot of 2008.

Want my opinion on Mongolia? It has its pros and Khans.

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.

I’m a professional 😉

A man is shown in five different panels. In the first panel, he is yelling: "WHY DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER?". The second panel shows another man, who responds: "SHE WAS LYING THERE NAKED, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?!". In the third panel, the first man is yelling: "THE AUTOPSY, THE FUCKING AUTOPSY!". In the fourth panel, he is throwing a chair, and yelling: "DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!". In the fifth panel, he is pointing and yelling: "YOU ARE THE WORST VET ON EARTH!"

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.

So, I was going out the door and I see my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop. I ask if he needs a lift. He replies with "fu.. off." So, I zip up my backpack and keep going to work.

A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"

The woman replies, "No, why?"

The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.

Onions was a good dog.

Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

Guy: "My life is like a game, I should end it."

Guy 2: "Is it a hard life?"

Guy: "Yup"

Guy 2: "Then you can't kill yourself LOL"

Guy 3: "Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the 'game'"

Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.

He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.

We will miss ya bud..... (cyndagoooooooo)

My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

If you don't like my suicidal jokes, sorry man, didn't know it cut that deep.

I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏

My fish can break dance. Only for 20 seconds and only once.

Gary Glitter was imprisoned for inappropriate relations with preteens. Not to be outdone, Kelly Clarkson exclaimed, "Hold my Bud Light!" whilst grasping her 1-year-old daughter.