My jokes

Shot

I wish my dad was home. I haven’t seen him since the shot of 2008.

Lgbt

Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.

He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."

Trampoline

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.

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  • Memes

    Onion

    I started crying when my mom was cutting up onions.

    Onions was a good dog.

    Door

    So, I was going out the door and I see my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop. I ask if he needs a lift. He replies with "fu.. off." So, I zip up my backpack and keep going to work.

    School

    A man asks a woman, "Are you a school?"

    The woman replies, "No, why?"

    The man says, "Oh, I wanted to shoot my kid inside of you."

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  • Blood Type

    My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

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  • Child

    Children are like a box of Christmas decorations. I keep them in my basement until it’s time to hang them from a tree.

    Heaven

    Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

    The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

    The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

    The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

    Suicide

    Guy: "My life is like a game, I should end it."

    Guy 2: "Is it a hard life?"

    Guy: "Yup"

    Guy 2: "Then you can't kill yourself LOL"

    Guy 3: "Hold on, I know a cheat code to finish the 'game'"

    Once again, RIP Daniel Kyre, he actually died this day five years ago.

    He attempted suicide Sep 16, and was in life support, till his parents made the tough decision of taking him off.

    We will miss ya bud..... (cyndagoooooooo)

    Bread

    My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.

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  • Man

    If you don't like my suicidal jokes, sorry man, didn't know it cut that deep.

    Self Harm

    I don't need to go to the car dealership when I have a Geico scanner on my arm at all times. 😏

    Kelly Clarkson

    Gary Glitter was imprisoned for inappropriate relations with preteens. Not to be outdone, Kelly Clarkson exclaimed, "Hold my Bud Light!" whilst grasping her 1-year-old daughter.

    North Korea

    I asked my North Korean friend, "what's it like to live in North Korea?" He responded, "can't complain."