My Jokes

To the guy who stole my depression medication,

I hope you're happy.

I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.

Rules of Dark humor:

1. All subject matter can be used, nothing is off limits.

2. No saying "Me" or "My Life" as a joke. Nobody finds those funny. We want actual good and meaningful jokes.

3. Don't Repeat Previously Posted Jokes. If you are saying the same joke that the person right before you posted you are just begging for attention and nobody by any means likes that.

I will add more in the future and be frequent on this site.

- Sincerely, Zane

Call me Willma, will my balls fit ya mouth?

What does my head and hell have in common?

They both have demons in them.

A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."

My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"

Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?

Me: With me.

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together.

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbor.

Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?

Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

Police: Tell me.

Me: Next to my house.

Yo mama so fat, she blocked my internet connection.

I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

Bully: "I would roast you but my mom told me not to burn trash."

Me: "So that's why you haven't burnt yourself yet." 🤔

Hey Siri, where is my dad?

Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!

Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

...WhAT-

I got mad at my sister's boyfriend, so I fucked his girl.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday.

The ungrateful boy sat in his wheelchair the whole time.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

Today, I learned that a group of piranhas can maul a small child down to the bone in under 20 seconds. Well, I lost my job at the aquarium today.