My jokes

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?

What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.

What made me laugh?

The fact that my life is a joke."

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.

The twin towers were like my parents... They never came back.

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?

In an explosion.

There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.

I hope my teacher will be ok.

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

what is less than 0?

my will to live.