My jokes

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

If you were a room in my house, I’d make you the basement.

So I could put kids inside you.

Your mamma is so fat that she saved me a lot of money by sitting in my car when I wanted to buy a low rider.

Are you dead? Because you look like my dog.

Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"

Did you hear about that one guy who dipped his balls in paint?

My friend said they were “Pretty nuts!”

Me in my dream: What a good day! *rumble* Ooh! What was that?

I wake up and I find myself on the floor.

Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.

Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.

Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?

Kids: Yeah!

Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!

Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.

*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*

Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.

I like my woman how I like my wine, just under 2 years old.

So I walk into Orchids Of Asia. I come out three minutes later with the best massage of my life. What's the catch? Aye, there, matey, the catch of the day be crabs.

Are you the Twin Towers? Because you made my heart explode.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

I saw my sister sucking a big toe.

Yo mama's so fat, I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.

My wife walked in on me cheating on her and said, "How could you cheat on me?!" I said, "She was lying naked on the table what I was supposed to do?" and my wife responded with, "Perform the autopsy."

I told my kids to smile with the monkeys in the open zoo.

They never got together at all.

The Egyptian god of sun's name is Ka.

My friend: Where does the sun god go to get a shoe?

Me: In a Ka-boot sale :D

Friend: What would happen when someone stole the shoe?

Me: Call The Police Ka!!!

"Fortnite battlepass, I just shit out my ass."

Fortnite, Fortnite, did I mention Fortnite, Fortnite, Fortnite?

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”