My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died. -- She was eaten by a giant crab.
i just found out my ex got stabbed today....lets just say i lost my job as a butcher
I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement .
Q: What’s the difference between me and cancer? A: My dad didn’t beat cancer...
will my suicidal thoughts, leave me too if i get attached to em?
My friend while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: You're priceless When we get to the checkout: I'm actually $2.50
My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
The twin tower were like my parents... They never came back
i cought my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.
My friend told me he had a sister. i asked if she was hot and he said she was 8. that wasnt my question
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
Me: want to play 911
My little brother: what’s that
Me: It’s where i kick your legs and you fall
i hate when i lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. where do i lose my friends from Afghanistan? in an explosion
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
What made me laugh?
The fact that my life is a joke:")
Look, im innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY. But my co-polit said: hit it with ur best shot.
Woman one: I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell! Woman two: Did that work? Woman one: Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house.
Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
