My jokes

My Mrs is going to hit the roof when she realizes I've replaced the bed with a trampoline!

I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.

If I was God, my parents would be anesthetists.

I just competed in a wrestling tournament. The first guy hit me harder than my dad’s belt.

How do you call a cop?

Through the phone.

(My puns are bad)

Man: Aw man, I'm having a bad day.

Man's friend: Same.

Man: So why did you have a bad day? My brother got hit by the school bus.

Man's friend: I got fired as a bus driver.

Man: Oh great heavens!

In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.

Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

For Charlie D'Amelio fans, my basement is your home now. Leave a like if you agree with me.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, With every beat of my heart, I'm devoted to you.

My wife is so fat. After sex, I rolled over twice. I was still on top of the bitch!

I have said a ton of jokes in my lifetime.

But I got fired from that job.

Orphan: My mommy and daddy love me.

Guy: Where are they then?

Orphan: In the eternal depths of [hell].

I like my women how I like my coffee... HOT.

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.

I wish the grass in my yard was emo. It could just cut itself.

I asked my mom what her biggest regret was for a project at school, and she said, "Oh, go look in the bathroom above the sink..." There was a mirror.

My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.

Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95

I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?