My jokes

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?

In an explosion.

I would name my dog "Five Miles" so I could say I walk five miles every day, but today I ran over Five Miles.

Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?

What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

What made me laugh?

The fact that my life is a joke."

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

The twin towers were like my parents... They never came back.

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.

One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.

I hope my teacher will be ok.

What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

My best friend looked at my arms and said, "Stop, sh*t, it's bad," then turns right around and says, "You look like a tiger."

So from here on out I am now Finn, the self-harming tiger.

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

what is less than 0?

my will to live.