My Jokes

I like my girls how I like my wine, 12 years locked in the basement.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?

A woman is looking up with a confused expression. Text above her reads "My brain trying to figure out if it's an actual memory, a movie I saw, or a dream I had."

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.

Me: Want to play 911?

My little brother: What's that?

Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.

A kid annoyed me the other day. I told him to shut up and go back to his parents. That's the last time I'm going to an orphanage.

The twin towers were like my parents... They never came back.

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?

In an explosion.

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."