My jokes

what is less than 0?

my will to live.

My uncle hid my weed, so I hid his wheelchair.

I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?

My dad still hasn't came back with that God damn milk.

1 like = 1 small dick whiny conservative in my blender.

When my friend fell, I didn't crack up, but the sidewalk did.

I'm so depressed, I gave my therapist trauma.

What is the difference between preschools and my basement?

Little kids come out of preschool.

My grandma's got 99 problems, but a fat butt ain't one of 'em.

My grandmother made her passage on a boat. The thing wasn’t the only thing that went down.

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

Why could you not see the guy in my dark closet?

The guy was black.

(True story) Today I was bringing some tortilla chips upstairs for some chips and dip, and I dropped them, so my mom goes “Oh, now they’re broken.”

And I took an opportunity to make a pun, so I said, “No, they’re just chipped.”

Yo mama so ugly,

my screen cracked when she took her photo!

I keep trying to call my emo friend. They keep hanging up.

Me: Pretend your name is “puberty.”

Friend: Ok?

Me: I'mma hit puberty!

*hits my friend*

Me: The last time I used Duolingo was when the dinosaurs went extinct.

Duolingo: Lemme send my twins 2 go 2 ur houze (I got sideways8 twins)

What did Mickey Mouse say to Minnie Mouse: "I don't use condoms; I use my drawbridge."

So, I accidentally just tipped over my paralyzed sister.

Your forehead [is] so big scientists measured it, studied it, and then finally they said: "Oh my God... your forehead is so big it's a 50 mile car ride from your eyebrows to your hair!"

Hairline is so far up, Patrick Mahomes can't even sell to a wide receiver.