My jokes

+1 like = 1 kid in my basement.

+1 follower = 1 kid in my Microwave.

+1 Comet.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

My teacher made us watch a movie about the struggles of being an overweight person in this day and age.

It was really heavy on me.

I've got a job defusing landmines.

It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.

My mom asks, "How did you do this?" Me: "Naw, I did it with a fork. WHAT D'YA THINK?-"

1 like = 1 more child in my basement.

My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.

The emo girl in my class did her photosynthesis project on a tree. Little did she know that would be her demise later on.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.

My friend asked me if I wanted to hang out by the tree later. I said, "Yeah, I was gonna hang there."

Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? Idaho, Alaska?

What it actually means: Did Delaware wear a New Jersey? I don’t know. I’ll ask her.

P.S. My dad is a history teacher and he told me to put this in here.

My teacher asked us what sex is. My friend, Bobby, got up and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sex is a temptation caused by a sensation, where a boy puts his location into a woman's destination to increase the population of the next generation. Do you understand my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?" The teacher shot him 23 times before she fainted.

Roses are red, My cat try to kill your next >:)

Someone asked me to go to hell, so I drove to my local middle school.

Today, I filmed an unboxing video at my friend's funeral.

His parents weren't too happy.

Roses are red,

My nuts are bigger than your small balls, that's why I get all the bitches.

1 like = 1 more child in my blender.

Orphan: Asks you random joke. What is the difference between my boomerang and my parents?

Me: The boomerang came back.

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.