My jokes

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

Once my twin brother died from a plane crash. His last words were, "If it's a bomb, I'll give it a 9/11."

Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.

My girlfriend left a note on the TV saying, "This isn't working!" I don't know what she's talking about, the TV works perfectly fine.

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

A kid named Timmy said to his dad that he had sex with his teacher, and his dad was proud of him and gave him a bike.

The kid said, "I can't use it; my butt hurts!"

My Asian girlfriend has a weird name. As I gave her anal, she was yelling "I'm too young."

My wheelchair-bound friend was getting bullied, so I told him to stand up for himself.

Ever wondered why my gay kids don't play basketball? Because they can't shoot the ball straight into the hoop.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

I'm so depressed that when I smile my Face ID won't work.

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

Help, my ADHD is so bad that not even I can focus in a concentration camp.

I decided to take my mother-in-law out the other day. I love being a hitman.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

Took my receipt to the sperm bank so I can get this comeback.

My grandpa said, "You kids rely on too much electronics." I said, well we will see about that. *unplugging life support* me: *oops*

I'm so depressed that when I smile, my Face ID doesn't recognize me.

My mum is a vegan. She brings us to after school seitan.