My jokes
My pencil sharpener broke, so now my pencil is pointless.
My son.
My dick.
My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!
My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10. Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9! That's the best I've done so far.
Y'all wanna hear a joke? My life.
So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?
And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.
This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"
"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"
What's thick, 12 inches, and in your mum's throat?
My penis.
So, I was fucking my daughter the other night, and I don't know what was funnier, the look on my wife's face, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...
Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."
The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.
What’s red, nine inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry every time she sees it?
Her abortion.
My jokes are cancer.
Person: I'd really like it if you'd stop saying my name all the time.
Random Person: Cheesus! That hurt!
Person: SERIOUSLY!?!?
I'm 34 and I went on a date with my 19 year old girlfriend. I got heckled with "you're a paedophile!" and "you sick F...!" Completely ruined our 10th anniversary!
I lost my job at a research facility. The people were too chill for me.
New Orleans cuisine has always been my favorite; however, I only eat gumbo on oc-cajun.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant.
After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!”
She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”