My jokes

When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.

When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.

My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

Have you ever wondered how your teachers would look if they were 20 years younger than they actually are? I bet some of them would be smoking hot. Especially my 25-year-old English teacher. I'd bang her if she were 20 years younger.

A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.

Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.

I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

I don't put ketchup and mustard on my hotdog, I relish it.

What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

"Herro, I cannot see my eyes."

What did the brother cell say when the sister cell stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis! (my toe, sis)

What is the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage. :)

"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."

So I was doing a puzzle, and I was getting triggered with it. My friend said, "It's puzzling why you're so triggered."

What does a baby in a blender look like?

I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

What's the difference between a red Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a red Ferrari in my car.