My jokes

Your life? Wanna hear a sadder one?

My life.

Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!

What's the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a BMW in my garage.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I asked her why. She said, "Because you're a pedophile." I replied, "Pedophile! That's a big word for an eight year old."

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

I accidentally walked on the Lego Batman mask.

I want my fucking feet back!

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I'm going home now."

I was coming out of airport and a rober kept his gun on my head I requested him please don't kill me as I have my old mom and dad at my home . Kill Them.

My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.

If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.

My wife caught me fucking our daughter. I don't know what she found worse: the fact I was fucking our daughter, or that the clinic gave me the fetus.

Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday.

I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive.

Yo mama so stupid, she said, "Where are my gifts?" on Father's Day.

F*ck my ass.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"