My jokes

My friend asked me:

Friend: "How much is your body worth?"

Me: "1 million."

Friend: "1 million dollars?!"

Me: "No. 1 million kilograms."

Friend: "Oh."

So my ex invited me to dinner with her new boyfriend.

Her boyfriend said "Hi."

I said, "Knife to meet you!"

I dreamed I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow, but when I woke up, my pillow was gone!

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in a room filled with all of my ex's, so I was completely alone.

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    • My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.

    At least now I can have his phone he left.

    A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Any last requests?" "Yes," replied the murderer, "Will you please hold my hand?"

    My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

    What's the difference between a sports car and a pile of dead babies?

    I don't have a sports car in my garage.

    How do you turn a straight guy into a gay guy? Well... for starts, you grab that ass of his, drag him into the bathroom, and tell him to suck my long, big pineapple, and thus, you have yourself one straight guy converted into a dick-sucking machine.

    How do you turn a straight guy into a gay guy? Well... for starters, you grab that ass of his, drag him into the bathroom, and tell him to suck my long, big pineapple, and thus you have yourself one straight guy converted into a dick-sucking machine.

    So my friend and I went camping at a Cold Lake Campground and he jumped into it without any warning, and so I asked him, "Wat-er you doing?"

    Me and my friend went to the park. After a while, we grabbed our little princess and said, "It's time to go, sweetie." But before we could go, someone said, "Stop them, they have my daughter!"

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    • My friend was annoying me with bird puns. I realized toucan play at this game.