My jokes

My mom said the happier a person is when sick, the sooner they get better.

So I went to the hospital, hooked up everyone's breathing masks to laughing gas.

Why does Adam go hockey, you might ask?

In my opinion, he shouldn't go because he is bad, but he needs the armor to protect himself from his own step-dad.

I lost my virginity once and found it in a store being sold off.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline and all he does is sit in his wheelchair and cry all day.

Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.

She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.

What do you say to a pedophile at the beach?

Get out of my son!

No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.

My shirt is only red when I think about sex.

Pedophile: You dropped your candy.

Girl: Thanks!

Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.

Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?

Girl: How far is your house?

Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.

Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?

Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.

Girl:.... Sure! :P

Audience:.........Dumbass girl.

What's the difference between a Lambo and 100 dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

More than 9 because my basement's still dark.

What's the difference between Paul Walker and my computer?

When my computer crashes, I actually give a fuck.

What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

My dick while I'm doing it.

I wrote "my pen is big," but forgot to space "pen is."

So I was on Google, and on my computer it had Windows. When Stephen Hawking died, it shut down, the shutdown sound played, and wouldn't turn on again.

You wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Never mind, it’s too long.

You wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Don’t worry, it’s too long.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."