My jokes

F*ck my ass.

My mum told me to stop playing with my sister. She said, "At least wait for her to be born first."

There were three guys stranded on a desert island. Each was granted one wish by a genie that found them. The first guy said, "I wish to go back home." The second guy says the same, and the third guy said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

What's the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead children?

My penis.

How many babies does it take to light up a basement?

I don't know, my basement is still dark.

A man (Ameenya Sheed) texts another man (Bob) and said,

"Hi, I'm Ameenya Sheed."

Bob: "You're not in my shed because I don't have one, but I have a garage. I don't think you're in there."

My pencil sharpener broke, so now my pencil is pointless.

My son.

My dick.

My daughter said I could never make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta!

My German girlfriend likes to rate our sex between 1-10.

Last night we tried anal, she kept shouting 9!

That's the best I've done so far.

Y'all wanna hear a joke? My life.

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo and behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

What's thick, 12 inches, and in your mum's throat?

My penis.

So, I was fucking my daughter the other night, and I don't know what was funnier, the look on my wife's face, or the fact the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide," and he told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note... it's a start...

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful fucker just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."

The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.