My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.
My Jokes
The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."
Two pedophiles are on a beach.
One says to the other, "Move over, you're in my sun!"
There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"
"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.
"I want to be a hunter."
"Why?" the other babies ask.
"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."
Why did my boyfriend leave me?
Because he's gay.
But why did he come back to me?
Because I'm actually a guy :-)
My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"
Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"
Timmy goes to the doctor and says, "There's a crack in my butt, doctor." Timmy, there is a crack in everyone's butt, see?
My wife was going to have an abortion and I have cancer.
Ha Ha Ha
I thought it was funny.
I impaled my son with a pitchfork...
He looks very sharp.
My cock was in the book of world records...
The librarian told me to take it out.
My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...
When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.
When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.
My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.
He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.
Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
Have you ever wondered how your teachers would look if they were 20 years younger than they actually are? I bet some of them would be smoking hot. Especially my 25-year-old English teacher. I'd bang her if she were 20 years younger.
A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.
Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.
I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
I don't put ketchup and mustard on my hotdog, I relish it.
What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
