My jokes

To start, I'm a big fella in size.

I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.

Me and my friend were hunting ducks. He had a 12 gauge shotgun, and he looked over and I had a .50 caliber machine gun. He said, "You're crazy!" I responded, "Quackers."

I love telling stories as theatrical plays. When we had a free dress day near Christmas, my teacher dressed up as a reindeer, so I got my teacher involved... and shot her.

My true hero is the person who killed Hitler.

I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

What's the difference between baby Jesus and the baby I keep in my basement?

Baby Jesus died a virgin.

My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy."

- One of the thousands of missing children.

Have you heard my cherry joke? It's pitiful.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

What did the kid with cancer say? "Can-I see my mom one more time?"

My girlfriend is like Toys R Us.

She does not exist.

Why is my dick like a balloon?

The more you blow it, the bigger it gets.

Once my friend's bakery burned down... His business is toast.

The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?

The number 13? Not on my watch!

My sister argued with me that you can't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"

The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"

Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"

My boyfriend is just like a sexy nerd and I still have to ask him things like that because I'm so distracted from him.

Alright, my sister is ALWAYS dancing randomly all the time, and what I say is, "Go get you boyfriend, dude!"