My jokes

My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.

She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.

My dick said that your ass is having a boner.

Roses are red, I failed my test, All because of Hugh and his incest.

My dad and cancer go into a fight. I never saw my dad after that.

My Japanese friend told me a Pearl Harbor joke. I told him he bombed it.

I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"

My reverse psychologist told me I didn't have it in me to make a recovery.

I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?

My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.

What is black and white and is dead?

My Chemical Romance.

Once my cat was playing video games. I was OVERWATCHing him.

I asked him to PAWS the game. He then hissed at me. I was surprised; he usually has a good PURRsonality. He said he YARNED to play the game.

What's the most between my uncle and aunt?

My aunt waited until I was 14 to come on my face.

I've got 99 problems and one of them is that I count my problems instead of solving them.

What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?

"Oh my God, you're such a beach!"

My mum touched my friend, but she wasn’t the she’s only 12.

A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.

"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"

And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.

"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"

And so he did.

I told my friend to look at the clock, then I said, "Is this a bad time?"