My jokes

My friend dreamed of being a porno star.

He did it for 3 months and decided it was not for him.

The next job he got was pumping petrol. Halfway through filling up, he pulled the hose out and started spraying all over the car!

Why do I call my dog a vibrator?

Because every time my dog acts like a dildo, I beat him, and when I beat him, he shakes. What do you call a shaking dildo? A vibrator, therefore I call my dog a vibrator.

I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.

I will always remember the last noise I hear in my school, "oogga booga motherf***ers," click, boom!

My life...

So, I met this girl and she was a 9 out of 10. I met this other girl who was 7 years old. The 7-year-old ate my 9 out of 10 girl because 7 was a psychopath.

Whoever killed Adolf Hitler is MY hero!

Sandy Hook is my favorite holiday.

What's brown and hurts your teeth?

A chocolate?

No. A baseball bat in my hands.

I bought my son an Xbox in 2017. It’s now 2018, and I’m still waiting for him to open it.

I wish my lawn was emo, because then it would cut itself.

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.

My dad asked, "Where are you going?"

Me: "Back to the orphanage."

I told my doctor I ate a bunch of bananas. It wasn’t a very a-peeling experience.

My happiness.

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was an amazing pilot.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"