My jokes

I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and asks the bartender for 12 shots of vodka. The bartender asks what the man is celebrating, and said he'll give one shot on the house. The man said, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob. And nah, if 12 shots doesn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

Daughter: Dad, why did Mom do best?

Dad: Nothing, except pretend to love us and leave.

Daughter: So she only loves my sister?

Dad: Yep.

In fright, I saw my faceless soul! Never imagined it could run that fast!

I could never forget my grandfather's last words. "Stop shaking the ladd-"

My version of the Roses are Red Poem in MW3:

I thought Soap could trust you. And so did I too. So WHY IN BLOODY HELL DOES MAKAROV KNOW YOU?!

My favorite toast for parties:

May I be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows I'm dead.

Today was a bad day. First, my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job as a bus driver.

My uncle got really badly burned the other day.

They don't fuck around at the crematorium.

I called my boss the other Monday and told him I needed the day off because I was sick. He said, "How sick?"

I said, "Well, I'm in bed with my 12-year-old sister."

Me: What's yellow and can't swim?

My sister: What??

Me: A school bus filled with kids.

I'll remember my last words... "Sorry, I'm not sorry!"

I am never letting Elsa take care of my dog again. Last time she just let it go.

I remember my uncle's last words:

"I don't think we're going shooting today."

My family.

I told my dad, "I just thought of something funny." He said, "Your face?"

I fucked my mom.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby it's a "choice"? But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children it's called "murder."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

Me: I’m going to get burrito 🌯

Friend: You can have my burrito baby.

Gay.

Friend: *begins to moan*

Me: Finna hang up.