I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
My Jokes
Yo, Rob, you forgot to pay me cause you sucky sucky my thang.
AKA, you're up for adoption.
Rob, you forgot to pay me for letting you sucky sucky on my thang.
AKA you're for sale.
Evan, yo mum rode on my big PP love, dad.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Q: I wish my grass was emo.
A: Then it would cut itself.
It squirted in my eye, God dammit!
Say, "Crack my fingers."
Now say that backwards...
"Hi, my name is Robert. I have no life. Even my PS4 username is gay lil_bama."
Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: Okay, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.
My friend had this annoying little kid that always used to yell and scream when he didn't get what he wanted. I told my friend there's a new attraction a few states away he could take him to.
Confused, my friend asked me what it was. I told him, "The Sandy Hook Experience: Where you come in and leave with a 'hole' lot of fun."
I like my girlfriends like my children: dead.
So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)
My ex misses me, good thing she'll never hit me.
I am counting my fingers and get nine. Why?
Me, holding a baby: "Oh my God, it's so cute!"
Also me: "Throw it."
My sister said, "Daddy can you pass the salt?" So I raped her.
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
