My jokes

My grandad killed Hitler. He was such a great man!

Person A: C'mon person B, just be happy, smile.

Person B: Over my dead body.

Person B: *gets the noose*

My name.

Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?

He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.

Oh wait.

You fool!

I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"

I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.

I was digging in my garden when I found a treasure chest full of gold. I was about to run inside and tell my wife, but then I remembered why I was digging in my garden.

The other day someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how to feel about that.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

My sisters ask me, "Are you really a virgin?" I say, "That's nun of your business!"

Santa was in my social studies book. He was a redcoat.

A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.

But hay! It's in my jeans!

My mom said to let Jesus come inside me; now I can't sit down.

What does Santa say about my mom? HO HO HO!

I was setting a voice recognition password for my new phone, and a dog nearby barked and ran away. Now I'm still looking for that dog to unlock my phone.

My wife said I acted like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

We were discussing cows in a lesson. I asked my teacher why she was one.

I caught my mom licking up and down and deep throating a banana. I said, "Why are you doing that?" She replied, "I’m doing it for practice for who could suck the best dick contest in the neighborhood."

"Suck my sugar, honey, it's very sweet and juicy."