My jokes
"Suck my sugar, honey, it's very sweet and juicy."
Whenever I’m bored, I hit up my local orphanage and beat some of them up.
I mean honestly, what are they going to do, tell their parents? 😂😂
A guy tells his pal, "My wife is expecting. We're going to the clinic to see if it's a girl or a boy."
"Congrats, man. What are you gonna name it if it's a boy?"
"We're going with Trevor."
"Ok, what if it's a girl?"
"Then we'll have an abortion."
My mom told me that she and the owner of a Chinese restaurant made a deal. Now we get free Chinese food. So I ask my mom why do we get free Chinese food? Then my mom said, "I love him long time."
I named my dog "5 miles" so when I walk him, I can say I walked 5 miles.
Random guy: I ran over 5 miles.
My bro said food was cool. So I threw a piece of cool chicken at him. For some reason, he hit me, OOF.
Dad: How was your trip to the park?
Daughter: It was good until the man came along.
Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?
Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...
Dad: Oh God, what next?
Daughter: Nothing, that was it.
Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!
I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. My dad was a great pilot!
My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.
I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."
I called my dog 5 miles.
Today, I fawn over my miles.
My ex's love for me :(
I still love the dude sadly, but I won't take him back.
I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.
Most embarrassing moment during sex, GO!
James Arnold: My grandma walked in while I was knife raping my wife.
The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"
The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"
"Yellow and far apart."
Mother: How is my little cookie doing?
Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.
Mother: Really?
Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.
Mother: 😁♥️🍪
My "parents" are so dumb. Who tf names their son "Lydia"?
My friend told me she had a good joke and it beat all mine. I said, "Haha, that is funny!"
Girl: "Come over."
Orphan: "I can't."
Girl: "My parents aren't home ;)"
Orphan: "Oh cool, something we have in common."
My doctor said, "You have 1 year to live."
I said, "You wanna bet?"
Bam, a gunshot!
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.