My jokes
So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn't actually tell me the joke.
You work at Papa's Pizzeria, ok?
Boss: You're fired!
Me: Ok?
Worker: Why are you fired?
Me: Oh, you wanna know...
*shows him the oven with my pizza*
Me: I left my pizza in the oven, that bitch burnt as fuck!!
Worker: OH SHIT!!
Boss: Did you say pizza?
Me: I sure did!
*shows boss pizza in oven*
Me: This hoe black as fuck!
Boss: I fired you because I can't stop looking at your ass, not this why?
My pal asked me why nobody wants to eat the spaghetti he makes in his restaurant.
Well, because it's impastable.
What did the egg who was sun bathing say to the other egg? Don't look at my crack!
My bird. PRETTY BIRD! PRETTY BIRD!
Others CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP!
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry.
Onions was a good dog.
FRIEND: Hey, want to come to my house?
LONELY ORPHAN/TRUMP: Want to come to my orphange?
FRIEND: Dude, I'm blocking you!
LONELY ORPHAN: :(
I'm sorry, none of my jokes are very punny.
Make a wish.
Kid: I don't want to go to Disney World, I just want to keep living my life.
Make a Wish Staff: Get the F*** out!
My grandmother said goodnight...
She never said good morning.
Things said by racist aliens:
"Some of my best friends are Green."
"I just know that Orange guy stole my spaceship."
"You're very pretty for a Purple girl."
"We know you Tentacletians like to rape everyone with your tentacles!"
"Adax Hitao should have finished off you Bluish people."
"You 2-headed people are so stupid!"
"No Slimatians are allowed in this restaurant because of health codes."
"Get the hell out of my store you grigger!"
"The Plu Plux Plum meeting is tonight! Let's burn some spaceships on the Greenies' lawns!"
Things said by racist aliens:
"Some of my best friends are Green."
"I just know that Orange guy stole my spaceship."
"You're very pretty for a Purple girl."
"We know you Tentacletians like to rape everyone with your tentacles!"
"Adax Hitao should have finished off you Bluish people."
"You 2-headed people are so stupid!"
"No Slimatians are allowed in this restaurant because of health codes."
"Get out of my store you grigger!"
"The Plu Plux Plum meeting is tonight! Let's burn some spaceships on the Greenies' lawns!"
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
I like my kids like I like my lamps.
Hung from the ceiling.
Me and my little brother were playing Call Of Duty. He wasn't doing very good, so I told him so. My brother said to me, "At least I don't have to camp in order to get kills." I then responded with, "I would call you cancer, but at least cancer kills."
I had a dream about being forced to eat a huge marshmallow.
I woke up and my pillow was gone.
I will always remember my dad's last words....
"15 dollars and I'll jump."
I'll always remember my dad's last words... "Why do you have an axe? We live in the city!"
I have a pussy. It's very hairy. It has a long thing sticking out of it. It's also very hair. My hairy pussy meows and purrs.
I was on a plane and my mom said, "It's just a little turbulence."
And I said, "Mom, we just got on the runway!"