My jokes

My mother really hates my dad for some reason. Maybe it was because he cheated on her, or maybe because it was her mom. Either way, it really ruined her birthday.

So, a man was on a ledge ready to kill himself because he got laid off at work and his girlfriend cheated on him. He was about to jump until he saw from a mountainside a little guy with no arms dancing around. So he thought, "Maybe my life ain't so bad." So he went to the mountainside. "Thank you," he said, "I was gonna jump off a bridge and kill myself until I saw you dancing, even though you have no arms. Dancing?" the armless man said bitterly, "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."

I did a walk today, but it was good for me and my car. And a walk today.

I have a problem. My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday. So, one took my virginity, and the other is my girlfriend.

A class is being taught when Bill Clinton walks in. He asks the class, "What is a tragedy?"

One kid, named Jim, raises his hand and says, "If my family and I got ran over by a truck, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies, "That would be an accident, not a tragedy."

A couple of seconds later, Audrey raises her hand and says, "If a school shooting would happen and 10 kids died, that would be a tragedy." Bill Clinton replies once again with: "That would be a great loss, not a tragedy." All of the kids are confused now when all of a sudden Matthew says, "If you and Hillary Clinton were on an airplane and it got blown up, that would be a tragedy!"

"Yes!" Says Bill Clinton "How do you know?" Matthew says happily, "It is definitely not an accident, and certainly not a great loss!"

I lent my sister my bed. The next morning, she told me it worked like a dream.

I remember my grandfather's last words:

"Are you holding the ladder?"

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

I'm so poor that when people come over to my house, I come out the window and say, "Ding Dong!"

What’s the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I like my women like I like my wine: 12 years old, in the basement, and locked up.

I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked my mom.

I call my dad a motherfucker because he fucked his mom.

What do you call an orphan with parents?

Idk, I never met one before.

Bonus joke: I went up to an orphan and asked where his parents were. He said, "I don’t have any." I said, "Wonder why."

Another bonus joke: Me: Hey. Orphan: Hey. Me: What do you do for fun? Orphan: Look for my parents. Me: Me, so they're not dead? Orphan: No, they just abandoned me.

More bonus: What do you call a homeless kid?

An orphan.

Last bonus: Why don’t orphanages teach kids about home?

Because they can’t find one.

lmao this is so funny, dark humor can be funny. Sorry, orphans!

There is a party in my mouth, and your dick is invited.

911 what's your emergency?

Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!

Operator: What happened!?

Me: She bit the tip.

One time in camp, I kissed my bunkmate Bret in the shower. He cupped my breasts and lathered them in Prell, but I'm totally not gay... :)

In my free time, I like to help blind people.

Verb, not adjective.

My boss had the heart of a child.

In a jar. On his desk.

I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?

I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.

The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.

Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.

That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.

Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.

Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.

But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.