My jokes

My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.

A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"

My pregnant wife said we were gonna name the kid Digiorno. She wouldn't tell me why until she got an abortion and told me, "It's not delivery, it's Digiorno."

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    • My brothers kept annoying me.

    I told them I would disembowel them if they kept it up.

    It was an empty threat—right after I was done.

    I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.

    She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...

    There was a woman sitting with me.

    I had to leave until she pointed at something—it was my butt.

    I was confused until it was her turn for truth or dare.

    My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

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    • There's a girl I like in my school, but she's always on her phone. It seems that I can't get a SIGNAL from her.

    When did “yo” mean Hello?

    They are so different, how did they come to mean the same thing? Did someone just walk up and accidentally say “llo” instead of hello and people were just like “what did you say?” and the man being embarrassed just made up a story and say “oh, I said yo, which means hello in my original language."

    Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

    Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

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    • The teacher asked her student to say the alphabet. The student recited the alphabet: "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz". "Where's the p?" He looked down to the floor and said: "it's running down my legs".

    Spanish is difficult. When my mom gives me food, she says "toma," and that's drink in English, so I always drink my food.

    My Bff: Hey do want any coffee?

    Me: Yeh, of course.

    My Bff: Ok which one?

    Me: You know... the black one.

    Me: Like my soul...

    My Bff: Jeez you ok?

    My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.

    She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

    I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!

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